Get the Advice of an Innovative Problem Solver

I Don't Know Who To Pick.

Dear Queen,

I am in love with my boyfriend Q's, best friend Bl. Bl is my best friend, Br's, ex. She doesn't want to be with him but there are still feelings there, thus she doesn't want any of her friends to date him. I have dated his (Bl's) best friend (Q) for over a year. I do love him and care about him. We've talked about marriage and kids, but I can't seem to get over Bl. We talk alot and we're very close. He's so much to me. But he's also a known "player". I'm a little bit afraid that he's saying he wants to be with me for the wrong reasons... I don't know who to pick?!

Signed Which One,

Dear Which One,

Here's what I think: Bl is not the right one. You probably have the attraction mostly because he is "forbidden fruit". First, your friend Br forbids this relationship. Although if her relationship with him is over she shouldn't care about that, nevertheless, if you continue this relationship you will lose her friendship for sure (you might be willing to risk that). Second, he is your boyfriend's best friend. Probably your boyfriend doesn't know about your relationship with Bl and if he finds out you will probably lose him. Third, there is the intrigue and mystery about him being a "player" and previously being with Br, and so on. I don't think it is any more than that. And because he is a "player" he probably wouldn't stick with you permanently. He will just break your heart some day. So I would say Bl is definitely not the right one for you.

Q MIGHT be the right one. You need more time to find out. Try to stick with him until you know for sure. I think he might not be the right one because, really, all of your desire should be for him, at the start of the romance. Perhaps you need to consider others in the mix and when the real right one comes along you will be sure. Code: Q30.

The Queen, 11/21/09

Relationship And Studies Problem

Dear Queen,

I was in a relationship with a boy. We both were very serious but last year he broke off with me for some other girl. I still love him a lot and miss him badly. Even after one year I cry whole days and nights. He is very happy with that girl. And I'm still in contact with that boy. I mean a formality type friendship. Whenever I see both of them together my blood burns out. What to do? I'm not able to study. I'm not able to concentrate in anything. I am 19 years old. How to win him back??? We were very serious but I don't know what happened that he broke off with me. I cannot live without him. I really love him and want him back. I miss him badly. I think he still loves me somewhere in his heart. I really care for him and I don't want him to be with that girl. I also want to concentrate on my career seriously. Please help me out. Code: Q27.

Signed, Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

Here's the thing, you can't win him back. He has already decided that he wants someone else. After this much time, if he hasn't changed his mind and come back to you, he won't. Even if he breaks up with the other girl, he won't come back to you because he doesn't love you enough. He might like you but he doesn't love you. This is just the way it goes with romance and dating. You win some and you lose some. What you must do now is get over it. There are two steps to it:

Make up your mind that you don't want to waste your time and waste your life being obsessed with someone who doesn't care about you. Follow the advice I gave Two Years In Love And Now We Can't Marry. Make friends with lots of people, both male and female, so your life will be filled with people who like you. Look back on your experience with this boy with fond memories and hopes that you will again find someone else so wonderful who also feels the same about you.
You have to let go of the emotions, so it doesn't bother you any more. You shouldn't feel anything at all when you see him, whether alone or with the other girl or even with someone else. Your feelings for him should be neutral. If you do Step 1, and can't get your emotions under control, I probably can help you with this using my special technique over the telephone. But it will take some time and some work. You will have to be available at times that are convenient for me. If you want to do this, let me know, and also tell me where you live (what country) and when would be a good time for you to talk on the phone.

The Queen, 10/17/09

Dear Queen,

Actually the girl he is going around with is not good. I mean she is spoiling him. And how is not possible that he don't love me anymore. It's true he broke off with me last year and we only had a one-year relationship but that boy loved me even since 2 years back before our relationship started. And whenever he drinks he calls me. I can't see him getting himself spoiled. I want him to be happy but not like the way he is. Now I am a first year student of bsc. And I love him since I was in 7th class. Tell me how it is possible to forget him and move on. And I can't talk to you on phone due to my family problems. Please reply through written messages only. Please help me out. I'll turn mad.

Signed, Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

Here's what I think you are dealing with. This boy loved you at one time. He may have loved you for several years. He still likes you. But if he loved you he would be with you and not with someone else. So at sometime his feelings changed. This particular love relationship wasn't permanent. I think he regards you just as a friend now.

The thing is, you need to be able to recover from broken romances and other bad things that might happen to you in your life. It's a skill you need to learn. Regardless whether you win a boyfriend back or not, it's your emotions you need to be able to get control of.

You really do need some help to get a handle on these strong emotions that you have. If you can't talk to me on the phone, you should meet with a counselor at school or church. If that isn't possible, then find a social worker. All these people know how to help you get your emotions on a more even keel. They really want to help you and it usually is free of charge.

The Queen, 10/19/09

Two Years In Love And Now We Can't Marry.

Dear Queen,

I really need your help!!! I used to love a girl and she is nearly 2 years elder than me. She also loved me truly. We also told about us to both our parents. Earlier her mom was not happy, but slowly she agreed. Her mother is her only parent. I used to live away from my parents, for my study, where she used to live with her mother. We were in same college. She used to be my senior by 1 year. Now the matter is that, now after loving me for 2 years she can't marry me...and she says that she is sacrificing her life for her mother as she was not happy with our relationship. We were truly loving each other. Her mother even used to call me for lunch and sometimes they even asked me to stay at their house. We were very close. I trusted her with all my heart but now I can't get her...in my life. I want help. I'm really desperate to get help from you. I just don't know how to live now. She is saying we can be good friends. Problem is, I have just finished my graduation and she has been working for 1 year. And as I told you that it was for 2 years. One year went so good with her and her family when she was in college. But after working she has changed a lot. Now she wants to marry a person of her mother's choice of their own caste. It has been a trauma for me. I want to know should I stay with her as a friend or should I go away from her life. She truly loved me but maybe due to family reason she can't marry me. If I should be her friend then how shall I treat her. Because she is always busy with her work and I am searching for the jobs. She doesn't have any time to think about me. Earlier we used to talk daily but now I don't call her and she calls me once in a week or in two weeks. I have also tried to change my phone number so that I can get away from her. But all in vain. My brain doesn't stop thinking about her. How she is living, if she is fine or not...I know she is enjoying her life as she has a busy schedule of work, but for me it's a really bad time. Earlier her mother used to support us and our relationship. But now I came to know that she was not happy from inside. Three months has gone by since she said that she can't marry me. Now she will be getting married next year by December. She was my true love and now I feel lost and she not at all understands my feeling. I feel like abandoned. Please try to help me, what I shall do now, I know I can't get her, but my heart really feel lost because she doesn't understand my feelings. She promised me earlier that she will marry me, and she always said that her mom will support us. But now ... all gone. How I shall live my life? Please if you can help me, I will be really thankful to you. Waiting for your assistance. Thank you.

Signed, Broken-Hearted

Dear Broken-Hearted,

I feel that you should get on with your life and respect your fiances decision not to marry you. As painful as that is, you must get on with your life. My suggestion for you is to get connected with other females in a social setting by relating to them in a very superficial way, outside of dating them. For a time, so as to keep you focused and grounded emotionally, so as not to get stuck in your past relationship emotionally. By social gathering I mean, such as churches that have singles groups, or maybe groups at school. Stay away from the bar scene in relating to women. Most of them are there for a pick-up. And stay away from anything of any sexual nature with women.

This would not have worked out anyway, because apparently, she is not of the same social status (caste) as you are, and would not be a good fit in the long run. So you should consider yourself fortunate that you found out now rather than later.

I suggest that you write on paper what you are looking for in a future wife, and pursue somebody with the qualifications that you wrote down. And only date with the idea "Is this person somebody that I want to marry?" So that way, sex is out, and any emotional involvement is out of the picture. This is the way to approach it, and even if you cannot quite do it, you will be on the right path.

I would completely detach from her in every way to save you from any more hurt emotionally. Meanwhile, good luck with your job search. Code: Q22.

The Queen, 9/11/09

Dear Queen,

I am really thankful to you. I was really desperate to get some advice! I want to tell more about us so that you can give me more inspiration to do the right thing.

The girl I loved, she was good at heart but was really short-tempered. We were a little possessive about each other. She likes outing with friends but I am little reserved. But sometimes I also want to go out with my friends but she never liked it. For her I even don't talk to any girls much. And even I don't have many friends in college. Hardly I have friends as a girl, like 2 to 3. Not more than that, and also I am not close. We were just like hi and bye. But as she has a job from last 1 year, she has a lot of friends, but I never mind that. What I feel most is if I do the same thing what she has done like going out with friends or dancing with girl which she had done with boys, she can't withstand it. She always says, I can do it but you should not do it. I always think that let it be done for her happiness, may be it's called a mutual understanding. I'd like to give 1 example of our life. One day a girl gifted me a shirt but I couldn't take it because I thought about her. But a boy who is working with her gave her a watch, which was costly, and she took it! I told her about the girl who was offering me that shirt and she was furious on me. And 1 more thing I want to tell you that I danced with a girl (generally I do not dance, it was my 2nd dance of my life), when I was in my final year of my college and after dance I told her about that. Then she was very angry on me. She loves dancing and she always danced, I knew it. But I don't know why I can't do the things which she can do. For this thing she never talked to me in a good way for nearly 7-8 months. I thought it will be fine but ... very rarely she talks to me in a good way. I want to ask is caste really necessary for 2 persons to love and live together? I want to tell little deep about her so that you can give a brief idea about her because I am unable to predict her. She said 1 thing after our break-up when she was with me (face-to-face). She will never make me feel alone and will try to spend max time over phone with me as she will be getting married to someone else. And by listening to her words I also promised her that I will be always there for her as a friend but when she again went back to work she again treated me like before (like for formality she is calling me). And so I decided to change my phone number. But after some days I just couldn't stop myself from asking about her and I told her about why I did this thing. And then I reminded her of her promise. Then she said that, I broke my promise of not giving you time and you also broke your promise of not being with me forever. So it's even. I am really hurt as I expected from a person like her. I am respecting her decision of not marrying me but I want to ask you is it right to promise a person like this and after 2 years suddenly she got a strong feeling of not marrying because of family reasons. I wouldn't be so disheartened if our parents wouldn't have known about us and if her family would have stopped me at the starting itself. We were both physically and emotionally close to each other. I thought that being a girl who has given me her everything, she will be always with me, but .... I never thought that she could do this also to me. I can't believe anyone now. I treated her family as my own but I did not know that this would happen! I gave her mom greater importance than my parents. But ... it was my fate!! Please help me, I just have these questions going on and on in my mind: 1. I knew she is enjoying her life but I'm the final sufferer, my mind always thinks that she is happy. It makes me more sad because earlier she used to say that I am her life, what I shall do? 2. She always used to scold me in nearly everything I do. May be it's because she is senior than me, and because of this only many times and not many times nearly every time I feel dumb and without respecting myself and not being confident ... what I shall do? 3. I always feel negative about myself as no girl has ever loved me like her but also no one has hurt me like her. Many guys proposed her but she loved me. We were each other's first true love. But for me I think it's really hard to digest the fact that she doesn't need me anymore. What I shall do? 4. I want to tell you that whatever she said on the break-up day, she was so angry that day. She was saying every single thing to hurt me. She said she wants freedom to do anything because I always used to say be careful about dressing and making friends with good people. She also said look at your face. No girl will like you. She said she needs a responsible person who will earn good so that her family members can accept him. She even abused my parents and as I told you that she is short tempered so could take everything but I never thought that she can also abuse my parents. Later she said sorry for all this and said that she never meant all of these and wanted to treat me bad so that I shall leave her and go. I forgave her and continue to beg her to live with me but she was not interested. Now what I should feel about her? She always says that she always treat me in a bad manner so that I can become a responsible person. But I think is it necessary to treat a person always like this? 5. She wanted me to be her friend forever but I couldn't see her with someone else. After promising me! What I shall do so that I can no longer have her effect on my mind? What I shall think about her good or bad? I know her mama, she wants me to be with her until marriage and then she will have someone else in her life. Then she won't even think about me as a so called "friend forever". What I should do? I can't predict her nature but she always says that I will be her true love. It is very hard to accept that she has changed a lot, maybe due to her working environment where many people work. All these negative thinking just goes on my mind and I just don't feel that I am good... I come across a lot of things, which are directly or indirectly related to her or us. How I should behave when such things come across? Please kindly help me.

Signed, Broken-Hearted

Dear Broken-Hearted,

I must tell you, you really have to get on with your life. Do that the way I told you in my first answer to your questions. You are trying to analyze the whole thing too much. It's just the way it goes sometimes. When it comes to romance, people act on their emotions and later those emotions might change. Just consider it part of your learning experience and try to forget about it.

But here are specific answers to your questions, so it might help you in the future.

The fact that she took an expensive gift, the watch, from someone else, already means she was not committed to you only. She said one thing but her actions showed something else. The issue when you danced with someone and then told her about it and after that she talks badly to you. She probably is jealous or insecure, that's why she talks badly to you. But the thing is, you should realize that anyone you are committed to, won't want you to be dancing with someone else.

The issue with caste depends a lot on the customs of your country. Here we call it social status or social class. Oftentimes, people do marry outside their social status and sometimes it does work. But parents will almost always be against it and that's a disadvantage to begin with. The one with the higher status will not want to live a lower status lifestyle. And the lower status person may not be able financially to fit into the higher status. If just love were enough then it wouldn't make any difference.

It was wrong of her to promise and then change her mind. But people do that. When they promise, it is real to them but later they don't feel the same. Promises from immature people and short relationships, can't be trusted. It takes time to build up the trust so you can believe the promise. And it takes time to get to know the person to find out if you can believe the promise.

To answer you specific questions:

You must do as I said in my first answer. That will help get your mind and emotions off of her. Tell her you don't want to continue the friendship, it would be too painful, then avoid her completely.
Someone you want to marry, or even a friend, should treat you in a good way, that will help your self-esteem. She didn't do this because she noticed things about you that she didn't like. This should have been another tip that she said one thing but did something else. However, consider if the things she didn't like about you are things that you should change about yourself.
Do as I said in my first answer. Have your own self-esteem that many people will like you.
There is no reason to treat a person badly. That will not help them become responsible.
Think about her with fond memories of your first love, and move on. Code: Q22.

The Queen, 9/14/09

Dear Queen,

Thank you very much. I will surely follow whatever you said. May the LORD always bless you. You have helped me to choose a crucial decision. You have helped me at this time, when no one was with me!!! Thank you so much.

Signed, Broken-Hearted

Dear Broken-Hearted,

I'm glad I could help you out. Please try to let me know how it turns out for you.

The Queen, 9/21/09

Dear Queen,

I hope you're fine. I have changed a lot through your help; I truly respect your decision.

I will be very pleased if you can tell me how to go on through my rest of life. Earlier I used to call her because I was so disturbed by her decision of not marrying me. Now I have told her not to call me if she loves her mother, so now we both are not calling each other. I have a problem now, as I know that she will not be mine. So many times when I come across like any marriages or any boyfriend - girlfriend or any new married couple or anything related to her I feel again disturbed. I know I have to move on with life and really I am moving on but this thing will always come across throughout my life. So how to treat them? I don't want to get disturbed by all these things. Then I always think that she will marry a person who is very lucky to get her. We both are financially equal in status and we both are Hindus but in Hindu religion she is having different language and I am from different language. Rest of the thing has improved but I am unable to change my attitude towards life. My friends always say don't worry, she is unlucky that she didn't get you and not you! Is it right to think like that? Please help me regarding all this. I really don't know how I should change myself regarding my attitude of no self respect and all these daily activities like marriages and all other boyfriend - girlfriend issues. Because even if I move on in my life, these are the things which will always come into our life. So how to tackle it? I will be very thankful to you if you change me completely to a better person! Thank you.

Signed, Broken-Hearted

Dear Broken-Hearted,

Here's what you need to do. You must talk to your spiritual leader or advisor such as at your Temple or Church (Pastor). He or she will be able to advise you what to do. I think you are obsessed about this and you need to change that. If you were in the United States where I am, I could provide you other resources. But I do not know about the resources in your country. Please show your advisor the letters you have written to me and my answers and he will be able to help you from this point onward. Code: Q22.

The Queen, 9/28/09

I'm In A Helpless Situation.

Dear Queen,

'Laura' and I have been loving for more than six months. Both are not sure about our future. But I was never to leave her under any circumstance. Because I've been wanting to have a girl for a long time and I thought I had her and somehow would protect her though we had many differences between us.

Sometimes our ideas were totally different, as she comes from a high-class family and is well off. I'm from middle-class and an undergraduate. Her parents want her to get married to someone else and that hurt me a lot. He's a well matured person who's older than her in some distance, but according to her, she doesn't like him. But as I said, I never wanted to let her go, chancing my whole life, expecting I'd be able to change her, make her understood about real life... the life... the life I spend (I'm an undergraduate).

So, though she was with me, I had much doubt that some day I might get left, so I had to ask her directly. Then she got angry and left me. So I was also furious. Because she left me, I didn't ask her back, thinking she should come to me. But she didn't. Then I decided to talk to her but I had an angry mind and wanted to get it clear. She was expecting me, but was pulled back because of fear of being blamed for what she did. I didn't know about that. As soon as I got on the phone, I started blaming her and brought out her whole in-side-out feelings, thinking I had already been dumped. She wanted to correct all the things, I guess. But after getting blamed, next day she decided to stop the affair forever. I begged her by saying all happened in a rush and I blamed her because of a misunderstanding. But she had already made up her mind and left me. Then after a day, again I asked her out by crying, praying and everything. But she didn't accept me, and said from today onwards, she would only be a friend to me. That was the end because she didn't want me to tell her about her faults and mistakes as I expected to deal with them. But I had to say them, thinking she left me, and I was putting up with them for a long time.

She expects me to be a friend, but I can't and I told her. She said "ok". Now I'm away from her, but hurt so much. My question is, was I wrong by tolerating her and our mismatch during our relationship? (I could have left her so many times if I wanted.) Now I really regret, I shouldn't have showed her my anger and blame her. Because I'm thinking, if I didn't, today we'd still be able to be together despite all the mismatches.

Having said that, I'm also now making up my mind to start a new life that will challenge me and become successful some day. But every now and then she comes to my mind and reminds me how she loved me and I hear her voice and I remember everything. But I don't want to go to her again because I'm also a human being with a dignity as every one else has. So far as I know, she is ok. I'm in kind of a helpless situation.

Signed, sahan

Dear sahan,

I honestly don't think you were wrong to have a nice romantic relationship with your friend 'Laura', even if she is from a higher-class family than you are. There's nothing wrong with reaching beyond your current status, whether in personal relationships, career, work, hobbies, or whatever. That attraction for something 'higher' is what makes us do difficult things to overcome where we are at and move above it. You don't mention your age but as an undergrad I assume you are in college, and that is a very good path to be on.

It seems your main problem was in not dealing with the problems when they came up. By that I mean not necessarily the same day but the same week or month. Don't let things pile up. If you do that when you are married you will be creating problems and starting fights and will have a troubled marriage. So if she has faults and makes mistakes, the thing to do is deal with them as they come up. The only thing is, it is very well known that you cannot change someone else. The only thing you can do is point out something they don't already know. If they already know about it and they won't do anything about it then you probably won't be able to make them change. They have to want to change.

Especially if she doesn't understand your circumstances: college student, not much money probably, and not sure about your future, etc. Because of the lifestyle differences between you, and because she doesn't really understand your situation, I think it would have been very difficult to make this a lasting marriage. So you shouldn't have decided to stay with her forever because you weren't yet at a place where you were really 'together'. It was a natural way for you to feel, though, but better to deal with the issues first.

I think you should learn from this, what you can do different next time (you meet someone). And your anger, blaming, and doubt points out another problem. These are because of either immaturity or low self-esteem. Once she saw your anger and your blaming her, she thinks it will be 10 times worse after you are married. Maybe 100 times worse. I think that besides your studies, you should get involved in social activities, preferably at college, such as drama club, debate club, student newspaper, or anything that interests you. It should have activities and also lots of social interaction with both females and males. You can use this social to try to develop your personality so you don't react with anger and blaming.

It's really good that you are starting a new challenge for yourself. That is the best thing you can do. Develop your own capabilities so you will be more equally matched with someone from a higher-class.

Many times, a friendship isn't possible, because it will just keep alive your feelings for her and even tempt you to approach her again, and keep the whole thing alive. After awhile, you will forget her, but maybe only after someone else has captured your heart. Code: Q16.

The Queen, 8/24/09

Should I Relocate?

Dear Queen,

I am falling in love with someone. Now we both are in different places. He wants to live always together as well as I also. Should I leave the job and go to that person. Please suggest.

Signed, rasmikant routray

Dear rasmikant routray,

First of all, do you want to marry this person? Because if you live with him, and especially if you have sex with him, then he probably won't marry you. He would already have every thing that he wants but you wouldn't have everything that you want. So regardless if you were in the same place or different places, it's not smart to live together and have sex before you are married.

Second, I think it is a pretty risky thing to leave your job and move. I think you are at a too early stage of your relationship to do that. Consider, why doesn't he quit his job and move to your location? There is probably some reason like his job is too important to leave it. If you do move, you should get yourself a job at the new location before you go. Nowadays, jobs are very hard to find and you might get yourself into a situation where you can't find any job at all. Consider also the cost of moving. He should help you solve this problem and not just ask you to move and have no job.

However, it is wonderful for you to find someone you are falling in love with. Can you maybe have a long distance relationship for long enough to figure out between you, what really is the best thing to do about where to live and both of your jobs? It's inconvenient, I know, but in a way it is also more exciting, to plan and anticipate the occasional meeting. Code: Q15

The Queen, 8/11/09

Problem of getting married.

Dear Queen,

I am a marine engineer. I was in love for the past three years. I got engaged and I went for sailing for the past six months. My parents didn't like my fiance from the beginning. Now my parents want me to go for another sailing and then get married. But in my fiance's home they want me to get married then go to sailing. Both our parents held a meeting and started quarreling. Now both are frustrated. At this time what am I supposed to do?

Signed, Now or Later

Dear Queen,

It is high time, and I am in an urgent situation to decide immediately. When will I get reply. Please advice me urgently. I don't want to make a plunder in a tense situation. That's why, please help me.

Signed, Now or Later

Dear Now or Later,

For your information, The Queen is a real person. She sleeps and has a life. Usually, she doesn't watch the forum, waiting for a posting. She will check the forum a few times daily.

As for your situation, you should not get married until you are absolutely sure it is the right person and the right time. This applies to you and everyone else. Never, ever, ever get married unless you are absolutely sure it is the right person and the right time.

Meanwhile, also listen to your parents and consider carefully what they tell you about it. They know you the best and for sure, they always care about what is best for you. Code: Q12

The Queen, 7/17/09

Shall I continue with him??

Dear Queen,

I'm in love with a guy for the past 4 years. Ours is a long distance relationship. We got to know each other through the internet and we have met only once ... 6 months back. My problem is whenever we plan a meeting something or the other goes wrong and we have to cancel the meeting each time. He seems so serious -- like he calls me everyday, pays my phone bills, gets me whatever I need, but everytime he cancels our meeting at the last moment. He gives me reasons that sound really genuine. Shall I continue with him or is it time we break up?

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

Actually, what you need to do is determine if the reasons he cancels is because of real problems or because of excuses. You could provide me more details. Or you might be able to think it through yourself.

I think the key that will tell you is what does he do when he cancels a meeting. Does he try to set up another meeting right away or does he put it off. And if he tries to set up another meeting, is it soon or is it far off. Is he trying to set up these meetings or are you the one.

The thing is, why would he just want a long distance telephone relationship? But if he loves you, I would expect he couldn't wait for a chance to see you. Code: Q8

The Queen, 7/14/09

I Have a Problem With a Boy.

Dear Queen,

I have problem with a boy. He keeps on sending me messages. I have told him many times not to do it. He says he loves me but I don't care. I don't know him. I talked to him on the phone through a friend. And I repent it now. Will he create problems for me?

Signed, Problem-Or-Not

Dear Problem-Or-Not,

First of all, I don't think it was wrong for you to meet a boy through a friend, whether by phone, email, or in person. You would expect your friend to know his character before introducing you.

So to deal with this problem you now have, you must do two things. Because you have already told him to leave you alone, now do not talk to him or send him email. If you talk to him again, he won't hear 'no', his emotions will hear 'yes', and he will try again. By ignoring him, after awhile he will stop bothering you.

The other thing you should do is ask your friend that introduced you to tell him to stop bothering you. She (or he) should do this because she mistakenly got you into this problem. She should do what she can to get you out of it. You should ask her but if she won't, then don't worry about it.

I don't think the boy will cause you any more trouble except to try to get to know you better. He's unfortunate to be trying to make friendships inappropriately, where they are not wanted, instead of trying to find real friends.

However, there is a chance that he could do other things such as show up at your school or house, etc. This is why you must stop talking to him. If he doesn't leave you alone after awhile, about two weeks, then you really need to tell your parents about this. They will help you figure out what to do. But if you feel you can't tell your parents, then tell another adult that you trust.

And you should realize this is a forewarning that you should never get involved with anyone on the internet because instead of a boy you might find an older man that could cause you very much problems indeed. Code: Q8

The Queen, 7/10/09

How to Win Her Back

Dear Queen,

I really love my best friend. I have liked her for a while now, but I never told her how I felt. So I decided to take a risk and ask her out but she turned me down. Then a week later we became friendly again. And on the weekend we went out to a park and we kissed about 4 times. Then the next day I asked her out again and got rejected again! Then that same day she and some other guy kissed. I got so mad and jealous and cursed her out because of what she did--kiss me then kiss another guy. But I feel truly sad for cursing her out and I have said sorry so many times now and she won't forgive me.

Signed, What-do-I-do?

Dear, What-do-I-do?

First let me compliment you that you have a good friendship with a lady that is not just romance.

There are really two parts to your problem. First, how to repair your friendship (how to get her to forgive you) and second, how to relate to her better so that you can have a successful relationship with her (that's the hard part).

What you need to do is consider--suppose she forgives you--how will you establish a really, really good relationship with her. To do this you must consider carefully why is it you reacted so emotionally when you were jealous. I think this is a sign of low self-esteem and that is something you should work on.

At the same time, consider, why would she, or any other lady, want to have a romantic relationship with YOU. What is it about you that the girls should like? Besides being handsome or whatever. This is why I suggest you should develop some qualities, skills, activities, and interests for yourself that will very likely be attractive to ladies also.

Do this by joining groups so you can get really good at handling people problems. Get feedback from others about your personality and how you can improve it. Take up a hobby or research a career such as woodworking, join the drama club at school, get into a church group, learn a musical instrument, artwork, cooking, or whatever.

But make sure you get involved with other people so you can develop your personality and self-esteem. Meanwhile, have confidence that your friend already finds you attractive romantically, otherwise she would not even let you kiss her that one day. However, until she agrees to marry you, she is free to see other people also. She must have the chance to get to know many different types of people so she can decide who is the best for her.

When you got jealous, it gave her the idea you could be even more trouble for her in the future--anytime she does something you don't like. This will scare her; and that's understandable. This is why I suggest you getting involved with many people so your own personality will become positive.

Meanwhile, I suggest the most important thing is the good friendship you have had with her, whether or not it is romantic, you want to keep this friendship. That's most important. Then, go very slowly into the romance so the relationship has time to develop. Don't worry about who else she is seeing. Don't worry about her rejecting you. She might be only saying no to that one invitation. Another time she might say yes. Don't stalk her but don't give up either.

Try to become so desirable that no one else will seem as good to her. That's why I suggest taking up a hobby. When you think this over, and if you agree with me, then I suggest that you write her a letter. Tell her you understand now how wrong you were and the most important thing is your friendship, and so on. But only tell her what you truly think and feel. Don't make things up just to change her.

If you still need more advice or if the letter doesn't mend the friendship, please write me again and I might be able to give you more advice. It might take a couple attempts. Consider this--don't worry about what she's doing right now. Think about where you want to be with her 1 year from now--5 years from now. Take small steps now to get where you want to be in the future.

This is a lot for you to think over and decide about and some might be pretty hard for you to do. But I think it is the best thing for you to do. Code: Q5

The Queen, 11/20/08

Dear Queen,

So I talked to her but every time I tried she walked away. I tried texting her and she says 'leave me alone'. So I think I am going to let go of her and concentrate on my grades. They have fallen down, so yup. It's really going to be hard to let go of her. I think about her day and night. Should I let go of her or keep trying to be her friend?

Also I want to thank-you for telling me to join a youth group. It was a great idea, so I did it and I have met lots of new people that are all nice.

Signed, What-do-I-do?

Dear, What-do-I-do?

I am so glad you already joined a youth group and that you like it. Make sure you keep involved with this group or something similar. Do not be afraid to try new things.

I think your number one most important thing you can do is work on your grades and get them improved. You will help yourself for your entire lifetime if you can get good grades now. The classes you are taking now are the framework for all the other things you will do later.

As far as your lady friend, maybe only you can make this decision. I would advise that you try to keep just a friendship with her. She probably will do that if she believes you will leave her alone regarding romance. The romance you might have to give up on if she won't agree to try. Don't keep bothering her about that because she will think you are a pest and try to keep away from you. Maybe if she sees you developing good qualities for yourself, such as good grades, involved in groups, taking up a hobby, she might become interested in you later on, like a year from now.

The Queen, 11/28/08