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Confused About My Mother.

Dear Queen,

I am a 17-year old girl and lately I have started to hate my mother for no reason. She got involved in a accident where she was severely hurt, everybody cried, had sympathy towards her, but I did not feel sad, neither did I cry in fact I felt good. I love her sometimes but then she does something like always cleaning my room, or keeps shouting at me or even when she sometimes asks questions I tend to get very angry. I know I should not feel this angst towards her but I can't help it. I am confused, why is this happening to me? I am sometimes very jealous of her because my relatives, dad and brother always pay more attention to her. I know this is wrong so please tell me a way to overcome this.

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

It's good for you to try to do something about this. I should mention that some of these feelings are normal and natural. We don't like our parents telling us what to do, what not to do, etc. But in your case it seems more extreme than usually.

What you have to do is change your thinking, because your emotions will follow your thoughts. Always be thinking about the good things about your mother and try to forget the bad things. Think about how nice it is that your relatives treat your mother so well. She needs these good relationships and she is fortunate to have them. (I don't think they really pay less attention to you--it's just a different kind of attention. Also, they probably are giving you what they think you need.)

Also, try to become aware of whenever these bad feelings start. What brings them on? Especially when nothing brings it on, what is there within you that is causing this? By becoming aware of this it should make it stop.

The only thing is, these things might take some time to show results. You should find a Christian church and become born-again. Then God will give you a new heart, which will cause you to feel differently. Code: Q92.

The Queen, 8/18/11

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Dysfunctional 10-Year Old Brother

Dear Queen,

I write to you as it seems like there is nobody else who I can broach this subject with, the subject of my dysfunctional brother, aged ten. I feel that he is a problem that affects the entire family. At ten years old, he is treated (quite willingly) as the baby of the family, still being bathed by Mom, and NEVER pitches in to help with family chores. Yet this is the tip of the iceberg. Back to the chores however. I say he never pitches in because, quite frankly, I think pigs will fly before he WILLINGLY asks to help with chores around the house. Admittedly I do not seek out chores around the house but when I spy something that needs to be done, I willingly pitch in and help, unlike my brother who will scream and kick and do whatever is necessary to skive off and avoid the work. This recipe for laziness will include: screaming, kicking, swearing and death threats to both himself and our family, as well as hurting himself. I thought this might pique your interest so I will now divulge into the suicide/death threats and self-inflicted punishment.

Whenever something doesn't go his way, he will start off into a torrent of death threats such as "I wish you were dead" or "I will be so much happier when you die" along with a few "I wish I was dead" or his favorite," Give me a gun so I can kill myself" threat. Just last week for instance we were in the car when one of these all-too-familiar episodes broke out and he unclipped his seat belt and when my Dad told him to put it back on he replied "If a car hit me it would be a blessing".

This is not a child who lives in poverty or unhappy conditions however. This is a spoiled brat of a child who is given sweets and video games not as rewards for helping out but a PRECURSOR to being part of the family yet displays violent and suicidal actions once he is told to stop playing video games or whatever activity he is involved in. The threats that are made quite frequently are directed toward my parents, (I would say at least twice a week) which angers and frustrates me to no end. These threats are particularly off color as my father is getting on in years and doesn't have too many years left on this planet and my mother (who works two jobs) has high blood pressure which the constant fights certainly don't lower.

I won't exclude myself from this sibling roasting, and I had a particularly rough year with my parents last year, however I put that down to my teenage hormones and the stress of moving into my first year of high-school. I think I also have a short fuse for my brother because I have had to live with him almost all my life. Sometimes I want to just smack him for being so rude and cruel to my parents, however they have told me at length that physical anger is not the way to deal with this problem and that I should use my words (queue toddler flashback) or to just let it go.

I feel that just letting it go leaves him with the feeling that he can treat people however he wants and nothing will come of it if he treats them badly. I think this is what my parents do, just swallow the abuse and move on so as not to rock the boat with a major argument. I now (try to) mutter darkly under my breath although at times my brother assures me I am not the only one who can hear my mutterings. Verbally reprimanding him seems like the only way I can keep him in check but the most worrying of my brother's behavior is his self-inflicted pain charade. This behavior especially worries me when he hurts himself rather than making seemingly empty threats. This is a fairly new addition to the anger show, and I personally have witnessed him hitting himself with various objects around the house, usually on the head. He bangs his head against anything he can get his hands on apparently, going from clipboards and bedposts to bedroom walls and doors. I do not know whether he does this for attention, or rather a sick kind of self-punishment, but I must move on to his other problems.

He also seems to suffer from severe chronic headaches and while he does not drink nearly enough during the day, I believe it may be either his diet or the ridiculous amounts of painkillers he is administered. He refuses to eat most protein and will not touch a single vegetable except for carrots, but prefers to while away the day munching on carbo-loaded snacks such as crackers, sweets, and candies. Not only is a vast amount of food wasted when my mother gives him food in hoping he will begin eating a normal diet, but much of it is wasted and goes to the trashcan. The diet may be a part of his chronic headaches, but he also is given Children's Tylenol at least 5 times over the course of a week. The problem with the dosing I believe is that they are of the sweet chew-able kind that mimic sweets with a dose of Tylenol in the middle. I feel that at times he uses the "headache card" to get out of chores or when he doesn't want to hear whatever reminder is being given about. Also, seeing as pills he is given in the case of an actual headache or migraine are sweet to taste, they are eaten literally like candy. His "headaches" usually come at night or in the afternoon when he has been forbidden any more candy because of dinner or lunch. I believe these are gobbled up as a candy substitute. There are several other problems that I must address in this lengthy letter, his temper and his pants problem.

His pants problem is the fact that he still soils himself at aged 10. He says that he can't feel it, however the trend is that he is usually involved in something and doesn't want to take a break from it so he simply soils himself wherever he is at the time. As a result, his entire room smells like a bathroom and I believe this problem has the most potential risk to this family because even when he knows he has done it, he simply takes his pants off and leaves them around the house, bathroom, or his bedroom, leaving the rest of the family to have to either become sick due to the feces that is left around or to pick up his poopy pants for him, which, of course, he refuses to wash, adding another task to my mother's already full to the brim work day.

His temper is the most common problem that our family encounters, which I would say we run into about 3 - 5 times A DAY. Recently, when asked to pick up three crumbs he had left after another afternoon sugar snack (during video game time) he absolutely flipped out and proceeded with the entire routine of swearing, death threats, and self-inflicted punishment.

I believe however, that the root of the problem is that my parents are either too busy to bother correcting him or that it is too much of an effort to try and correct this train that is currently hurtling toward a cliff. I believe my parents could a) give my brother different tasting medicine b) tell him "This is what you are going to eat and there will be no filling up on crackers between meals" c) make him wash his own soiled pants and remove all privileges until he has gone a week using a bathroom d) remove the video games that make him so violent and angry e) medicate him to stop him from hurting himself and others and finally f) take him to a mental institution because at this point I am at a loss for words and ideas.

Please help Queen of Sheba, any information you could send back to me would be incredibly helpful. I am at my wits end with this boy! Sincerely yours, Worried Older Brother (age 14 starting sophomore year of high school)

Signed, C.

Dear C.,

You are right to be concerned and try to do something to help your brother and your family. But I will say that this is more responsibility than someone of your age should have to undertake--your parents should have done something years ago.

The bottom line is that your brother needs more help than I can give him. He needs professional help. And without delay. He might carry out his threat of suicide or violence.

The cause of the problem might be his diet, medications, parental 'spoiling', neurological or physical problems, and even other things. He needs to be evaluated by professionals and probably will have to be checked in at a facility in order to do this. Whatever the root of the problem is, it probably is complicated by these other factors. You are right about the list of things your parents COULD do. However, from what you describe, their energy/will to do it, after working their jobs, is what is lacking. Also, they too are probably at their wits end and don't know where to start.

The issue is how to go about it. Tell your parents what I'm telling you and if you think it will help, show them both your question and my answer. This should cause them to take action but if it doesn't then you should tell someone from your church or school. These people are trained to know what to do. I also will mention that I am surprised that his school hasn't done anything because he probably has major problems there as well.

Now, even if your parents want to do something, they might not know what to do, and also the cost might be a factor. That's why I suggest Dr. Phil. I'm not associated with Dr. Phil in any way--he doesn't even know me. But I see on his TV show that he helps people--even some with similar problems as your brother. Very, very similar. You could write him a letter at his website, just like you wrote me, asking his advice what you should do. I think that either he will advise you or offer to help you.

Please let me know if you are unable to make any progress because I might think of another good idea. Also let me know if you do make any progress. And please, if you are going to be on the Dr. Phil Show, let me know and I'll be sure to be watching.

Meanwhile, don't worry about him pitching in with the housework. This is minor and a symptom. Really, children only do chores because parents make them (when they are younger). This issue will be cleared up automatically. Don't become violent yourself (I don't expect you would). Probably, there's nothing you can do to change him because of the influence of his diet and meds will be stronger than anything you can say. Code: Q92.

The Queen, 8/8/11

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My Recent Mental Trauma

Dear Queen,

recently i got to know that no one likes me.i never harmed anyone.moreover i am always very eager to help others in their needs.yet my actions often get misinterpreted and i get condemned for no reason.i dont know whether they do it deliberately.even those whom i love turns against me.when i look around,it seems i am the only one who is treated in such a manner.this is affecting my studies even.please help!

Signed, D

Dear D,

The thing is, I would have to know you much better to know what is causing the problem. I'm guessing, that maybe by trying to help people they are interpreting it that you are telling them what to do. That's just a guess, though, and I might be wrong.

I think the best thing you can do is find one person that is nice enough that you can confide this in and ask them to tell you what it is that bothers people. Once you know what that is you can change it probably. Otherwise, you might have to find some new friends. It is not unusual for family to be against someone, and often for no good reason. Some families have a lot of fighting and they need someone to 'pick on'.

I just want to say that certainly it is not something about you but rather it is something that you do, which you can easily change if you know what it is.

The Queen, 5/13/11

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Regret the Wrong Decision.

Dear Queen,

How do you deal with the fact when you realize that you made a wrong decision many years ago and now bitterly regret it? 29 years ago I was a well-trained good little wife-y and when my then husband decided he wanted to move from UK to USA we did. We have 4 children. At the time they were 21, 20, 9, and 8. Eldest child refused absolutely to move so she stayed in UK. 20 year old son came with us but then moved out within a few months and has lived 400 miles away ever since. We did not prosper, my husband would not admit defeat and return to UK. After 5 years of struggling we had lost all our money and got divorced. Even if I had had enough money to return after the bitter divorce my 2 youngest daughters did not want to go. So...we all stayed. My daughters lived with their Dad for 18 months until I had found a job that allowed me to rent more than efficiency. Life went on. One then left to go to college and never came back home to live. The youngest left home soon after she graduated high school and got married. I eventually found a great guy and we bought a house together. We are happy together but I no longer have any family nearby. My 2 youngest daughters are very close and when one moved 2,000 miles away 15 years ago the other joined her. They no longer like Florida and don't come and visit. If I want to see them and my grandchildren I have to make the trip to visit them. I am now 70 years old and am envious of others who have their children and grandchildren near by and can enjoy being a family. I have only seen my eldest daughter in UK 3 times in the past 29 years. She is now 50 and not doing too well. She has started calling me every few weeks and constantly berates me (in a sad not an angry manner) for ever leaving UK and breaking up the family. I now agree with her! My 3 other children here are all doing well, married, decent jobs no major problems but because of the distance between us I am not really part of their lives. They don't pay much attention to my circumstances and as I am now unwillingly retired and living on just Social Security I doubt I will be able to afford to go see them every year ...and it really hurts to know they probably won't be much bothered! What do I say when I talk to myself to offer some comfort?

Signed, N.B.

Dear N.B.,

Here's what I think you should do: Start a pen pal friendship with all of your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren (if you have some). For example, each week write one of them or if there are many, write 2-3 each week. Tell them you miss them and can't visit so you want to get to know them better by letter. All of them will not reply but some of them will. For those that don't, try again a few months or a year later. Try to think of something interesting about your life that you can tell them about to spark their interest in you. After a while, maybe you can give the young ones some good advice because of your many life experiences. If possible, get an email account (at the library) and they will think this is an easier way than postal mail. They can send you digital photos then, also.

If you are successful at this, it will help to replace what you are missing because they are not with you.

Here's what I think you are dealing with and by changing your thinking about it you could 'get over it': What you are doing is really the flip side of the coin 'the grass is greener over there'. For example, if you didn't move to the U.S. you might then feel that is the reason your family is separated. But it is very likely that even if you stayed, some of them would have moved to the U.S. anyway and others would have moved away. If that's the way they did it, then they would have done it anyway.

Many families are separated geographically, but often they are able to visit at least annually. This is what you really miss. And I think the reason you don't have this is really because of the divorce. That divorce leaves no home base for them to return to.

So it might have been a mistake to move to the U.S., but if you hadn't done that, then you would probably think it was a mistake not to move. And I have to say, your daughter is wrong to criticize you about this. Especially since you actually just went along with your husband--it wasn't your idea to begin with. These things from the past can't be changed. Also, there are probably many positive things about living in the U.S. that you all would have missed out on.

You really do have to stop focusing on what might have been. Start focusing on the good things about your life. For example, there are some that never were able to have children and there are those that have lost some or even all of their children to death, etc. Code: Q55.

The Queen, 6/13/10

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Abt ma mrrd glfrd.

Dear Queen,

5 yrs.B4, i met a girl,thn she(according to her) n me flln in love, n relation became more serious.Sddnly After 2 yr. she said tht there is no future of our relationship, n we have to stop it here. Bt my condition were severe in love on tht time. After tht she broke d relation between us. She mkd me phone call,after 2 n hlf yr. ,Means 3.5 mnth b4 and said i love u vry much, i need u vry much, plz come n meet me[infact, now she married for 15month],i asked d reason bt she didnt ny reply of the reason behind to love me again, only said- u r my need. After her approaching to me i went n meet her, we kissd n huggd frst time after 5yr. i saw love in her eyes[i read body languauge book]. Bt i thought....her love is lust,n she wanna satisfy hersely by me, bt she didnt do the sex. M in vry confusional state what she wants....[she is frm middle class family]. Now i call her, smtimes she tells me its wrong, means we will nt meet again;smtimes tells me i love u heartly n she will alwys keep on our relation her life time. plz suggst wht she wants ? She nvr told me tht she is unsatisfied in any condition. so....plz whts d reason behind tht..?n plz rectify it.

Signed, R.

Dear R.,

Abinash, You must get over this obsession. Code: Q51.

The Queen, 4/20/10

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Find or Forget the Book?

Dear Queen,

This is a difficult problem. I lived with a boyfriend for four years while in college. He was an English PhD. candidate at the time. We split up and I went on to marry someone I have been married to for thirty years. Before I go any further I should say we had an unbelievably passionate and intense sex life. As lovers we were great. As life partners, not so much. It wouldn't have worked. The breakup was tough. My college boyfriend has resurfaced (through Facebook). He has been emailing me excerpts from a book he says was published. The book is a collection of vignettes about our most intimate moments. There are no names used - only He and She. He wrote it under a pen name, which he won't divulge. He met his editor in the Boston area. He tells me the book is doing well in Chicago and on the West coast. His publisher chose to publish it under "Artistic Romance." That's all I know. I do have this one review that he emailed me: "It is an intense unresolved journey through one man's heart and mind, but as he often reminds us - these are not pictures of him. In my very private moments, I would like to think I was like her to someone at sometime, as imperfectly beautiful, as important to him then and still, as joyous and as painful a memory. Then I shiver at the thought anyone would see me and remember me with this kind of clarity, definition, and detail." My problem is that I am obsessed with finding this book. I have tried unsuccessfully. I don't know if my question to you is: "How can I find this book?" or "Can you help me to stop obsessing over finding this book?".

Signed, K.

Dear K.,

First of all I'm not at all convinced that this book exists. Because if he did write and publish this book about you, why wouldn't he just tell you the title so you could read the book. There would be only one reason and that is because it has things in it that would upset you, maybe untrue things or exaggerations. Another thing is you should be able to find this book even from the information you have. Since you can't, it probably isn't there. It also seems a bit odd to me that he would write the book under a pen name.

So my guess is he wants to engage your emotions because he knew you would try to find this book. And whether the book is there or not, his interest is in your reaction.

I think you should give up this obsession and also you should break off contact with him. That is, unless you are willing to risk your marriage, because that is very likely what will happen if you continue. What you are starting is what we often call an "emotional affair". But that can be just as harmful as a real affair. You probably don't expect or intend that anything will happen. You just enjoy the excitement of the memories and anticipation of possibilities even though you don't think anything would really happen.

It's certainly understandable that you would feel some excitement about all this but risking your marriage is just too dangerous. If you don't believe me, read one of my other questions: Full of Regret. So I really think you must put this man back into your past to reminisce about.

I think you should spark a new romance with your husband. If you can do this, it will get you over your other obsession. Perhaps your husband would enjoy this and once you start it he will keep it going. Code: Q49.

The Queen, 4/3/10

That was a very wise reply. Thank you.

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No Motivation for Studies

Dear Queen,

I am so confused at the moment. I am currently studying at home through the Open University for a degree in Life Sciences. However I am only half way through and not sure if I want to carry on. I have lost all motivation for it as I find the constant reading and wafting through the books to find the facts quite laborious. I feel like a failure as I have attempted to go to University twice before but ended up returning as I had an eating disorder. I have since overcome that now and I am not sure as to whether to apply to go to university this year as an undergraduate or carry on with my Open University course which I won't finish until next September and then apply for a postgraduate course. The graduate course will take 3 years and the postgraduate course 2 years as it will take 1 more year to finish my course. Also things are not great at home and haven't been for years. I feel trapped, as I have to stay at home if I want to study, but that means another 18 months of misery. I cannot see anything to look forward to. I live with my dad as my mum died when I was younger, but he drinks a lot and has terrible mood swings and puts me down a lot. My sister lives there too but she has moved on with her life now and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. We went away the weekend just gone to London and I had so much fun, but she was in an awful mood. I just feel like I have no one who wants to enjoy life home here. I do not have hardly any friends as they all went to University and I distanced myself from them when I had an eating disorder. I don't think me being stuck at home studying helps matters either. I am also a bit age conscious as I am 23 now and if I go to University I won't be qualified until I am 26 which is a bit old to be graduating. Please, I would be grateful for any advice, even if it is not what I want to hear. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone. Kindest regards.

Signed, J.

Dear J.,

Either you are studying the wrong field or you are in a rut because of doing your course work entirely from home instead in the classroom. You aren't giving me enough information to know if you are in the right field but I'm guessing you are because you came back to school a few times already and also because you are planning to continue to Graduate School.

So probably it is because of being too isolated. I'm not familiar with Open University but you describe it as either an Internet Course or Home Correspondence Course. There's nothing wrong with the courses except that they give you no people contact at all. If you go to University, you meet classmates and maybe even make good friends. You also have contact with teachers, to ask them questions and such like that. This makes a big difference so you are not just studying on your own all the time.

I don't know what it would cost you but I think you should try to go to University instead of continuing your home studies. If that's too difficult, then you must get a social life. That might be enough to balance out the tediousness of the studying. Try to make lots of new friends and don't worry if they are really good friends. Even if they are just acquaintances, that's enough for now.

Don't worry at all about how old you will be when you get done with school. Lots of people go back to school late, and some of them much older than you are. The most important thing is if you are in the right field.

Regarding your family, you can't do very much about their problems and I think it won't bother you as much after you have a good social life of your own.

Here is something easy that you can do right now and it might help to pull you out of your slump: Set a schedule for yourself and for several months, follow it very carefully. Later on you can be more spontaneous. Set your daily schedule so you work for about an hour and a half and then you take a 10-20 minute break, and longer if it is lunchtime. During this break eat a snack or lunch or dinner. Also do something that's not studying such as clean house, go for a walk, read a novel if you enjoy that, etc. Alternating between studying and break time will pick up your energy very quickly, probably in just a few days. Let me know if this works for you. So your schedule for example might be 7-9 Breakfast and get ready to work. 9-10:30 study. 10:30-10:50 break time: snack and walk. 10:50-12 or 12:30 study. And so on. Also, you can set the study time less than 90 minutes, such as 45 minutes or an hour. The important thing is alternating between study and break time.

In addition to this, do whatever it takes to get a social life. Go to church, join a club, such as if you have a hobby or you want to start a hobby. This is the most important thing for you to do now.

If none of this helps you, and you continue to be discouraged, you might want to try to work part time and study part time. It would take you longer to get through school but if you are excited about life it would be worth it. Code: Q48.

The Queen, 3/17/10

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Full of Regret

Dear Queen,

I just got a divorce a couple of months ago. We were having problems for awhile. We both lost our jobs, so money was tight. Then again money was always tight. I was under so much stress. Before being laid off all I did was work during the day and watch our son at night while she worked. Instead of turning to her for help I turned to other girls. Just talking at first and soon I was going out with them. I cheated on her 3 times. She never found out but she did find some of the letters I wrote to another girl. After that she asked for a divorce. I know she suspected me of cheating but even the letters weren't proof (there was nothing sexual in them). I gave her the divorce that she asked for because I knew deep down how bad I had wronged her. I never totally confessed to her because I love her and I don't want her to hate me. I know she's angry with me but she told me she doesn't hate me. For a little excitement and pleasure I threw away my marriage and my family. I miss it so much. I would give anything to change the past. I took her for granted. I am full of regret, I go to bed with it and I wake up with it. I know I have to try to move on and forgive myself, but it is very hard. How do I forgive myself for this? I want to be happy again. I have been miserable for so long.

Signed, Miserable

Dear Miserable,

First of all, you were right not to tell your ex-wife about the affairs. And in the future, don't tell her. If you did, it would only hurt her and although it might ease your conscience, it really won't help you at all.

You aren't going to want to hear this but there is only one cure for you: you must become a Born-Again Christian. And if you try to tell me you already are, you are not. You might have tried to but you are not really. I could tell you how to do that but you really also need to get into a church. So I suggest that you find a SPIRIT-FILLED, Bible believing church such as Assembly of God and others similar. Just any old church probably won't be good enough. Visit around until you find one that's right and then find someone there that will 'adopt you'. That is, he will counsel you, maybe mentor you, so that you can change yourself. Go to counseling or join the men's group. Participate in all the men's activities that you possibly can. The older Christians there will help you, most of them have been through major problems themselves.

The reason I say this, is not only do you have to get past your current situation, you also must make sure the same thing doesn't happen again.

Once you know that the same thing won't happen again, and you have tools for yourself when you are tempted, procedures in place to avoid temptations, etc., then consider if you can get back with your wife. But under no conditions try to reconcile with her until you have completely changed. She might notice the change and take you back. Even if she doesn't, you will now be getting your self-worth from God and you won't be miserable.

Another thing that might help you, read this book: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Because of this book, some people understand how to forgive others so I would think it would help you to forgive yourself.

If you do both of these, or attempt to do them, and still need more help, write to me again and I will certainly try to help you further. Code: Q47.

The Queen, 3/7/10

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Still Broken-Hearted.

Dear Queen,

Respected ma'am, I appreciate your response for my previous question. But I think I was unable to express to you my feelings exactly, as you have asked if I get any information from her friend. YES I do. Earlier I was unable to think why she left me. I just can't express my feelings, how I lived this past 5 months. As you have already mentioned to be away from her, so I did the same, but I was curious and really I couldn't stop myself to know why exactly she left me because I didn't find any valid reason from her. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt me. But it wasn't true, ma'am. I do agree that I talked to her friend but I never spoke to her before. Because as I said, she never liked me to talk to any of her friends. In the month of June we broke up. And from June-Oct I was living with all pain within my heart. No one, no one was with me. Because of my parents only I made myself little cautious but still it was of no use as day and night I used to feel hurt and used to cry all day with all tensions in my heart and mind. I don't know if GOD wanted me to know her reality or anything else. but I just couldn't stop myself to know what is the matter. So one day I called her friend, as every one will be telling all the problems to a friend only. So I just got her phone number from someone as I was not having it. I just called her friend and told her not to tell that I called her. I just asked her friend, why she left me; please tell me, she would have told me something about me to you. She told that everything is fine. She is saying all different stories to her, like my mother will get well soon (as she was not well) if she leaves me and how she will affect my career if she comes into my life. And all. She told me this thing and also that you will take some more time to get started with your career. I can't wait for you. And all other things. I just could not believe that. She came to me and asked me that she wants to marry me on the second day itself. After knowing all this by parents also. But still she left me. At the end of October I just called her friend and she told me the real nature of her. She used to hang around with guys. And she used to speak over phone until late at night until 3-4 a.m. with a guy with whom she recently met after our break up. She used to hang around also with other guys. But I did not know all this. Because neither she told me about this nor I thought that she could do this. I was totally dead, with my emotions when I came to know all this. She said to her friend that I know all this, but I was kept in dark. I couldn't withstand it as earlier also she never used to treat me good. So finally when I came to know that she was doing all this and she didn't have any feeling for me, I just got ... I can't say ... you love a person with all your heart and she also used to say the same for you and one day you came to know that whatever she told was just a big LIE. So I don't know what I did. I just told her friend nearly everything about us. That we married in a temple and she had promised me, and her mother had also promised me, that we two will marry and spend life together. But her mom was not knowing that we two already married by ourselves in a temple. She was dedicated to me, she said. Yes I do get a lot of information about her from her friend, and I saw her pictures with all his friends going out and dancing in a pub. I felt disheartened, felt like what I didn't do for her, and why she is doing all this? After knowing all that I was feeling is this what I wanted. I couldn't withstand it no more. I told her cousin brother who knew about our relationship. And yes I do agree that I have also told many things, which she will never like me to tell to anyone. That's why I couldn't feel good as I was a person who cut his hand for her and shed blood for her as once I said something bad to her, which I should not tell. So I just cut my hand. That's why I just feel like, I should have never done this if she would have been faithful to me. She blamed me by saying that you don't know lady's respect and you have told everything to my friend. I was feeling little guilty so I just called her so that I just wanted to hear from her that she was innocent and all the blame was false. So I just called her and asked her, is it true that you are seeing a guy from last 2-3 months. She said yes. But he is just a friend, you tell me ma'am, he is just a friend then why she used to speak to him the whole night and why she used to come with him on bike and she used to go pub, shopping and all with him? She said, yes he takes care of me and he is very handsome and every girl is behind him but he likes me because of my nature. She started comparing me with him. She just knew him for last 2-3 months and I know her from 2 years. I felt like dying. I could have never expected all that from her. I want to give one example ma'am, if a girl loves a boy and both promised to be together. Then after some years suppose the boy got the job and got new friends and started seeing a girl in his office. Because he is staying far away from her. Will that boy ever want her girl to whom he promised to know what he is doing in his office? NO! Right. So similarly I just told about her truth to her friend and she was blaming me that I don't know how to respect lady's pride and all. Why she can't learn first to be a lady and then ask me how to give respect to a lady? This is what a true lady can do in her life. I remember ma'am, from BIBLE, a verse, which says give your love to only one person. Because your love is precious. I feel now what I will tell to the one who will come into my life. I will not be able to face her. You know ma'am, every one gives respect to a lady. Specially you can see no guy will support a guy even if he is a friend of yours, so one day I just called her so that I can hear from her that yes what I heard about her is false. But it hasn't changed anything. Everything what I heard about her was true and she was just telling me we are friends but I talked to her boy and it was clear that these two are very much close now. And I have NO doubt about it. Her boy knew that she would marry some other guy but still, who will leave this good chance. They both were enjoying like boy friend girl friend with no commitments, but she called friendship. They both were telling me how you loved her (my ex) if you could not believe her. How can I believe a person if that person never treated me good from last one year. I will ask if she wasn't have any faith on me that I will believe her and she could have introduced me to him, instead of getting along with him. She wasn't having any faith. Would I have left her, if she would have told me? I got to know one thing from this ma'am, that she had already made this plan to leave me. That's why she was looking for another person. You know ma'am, before (much more earlier when I got to know about you but after the break you only) I took advise from you. I told her that I couldn't be your friend and I will go away from you. Then she said never ever change your phone number. And we would be good friends but I refuse to meet her and even changed my number 2-3 times but I was not feeling well so called her back if she was fine or not then she said please do not change your number else I won't eat. I couldn't see her sad so I did whatever she said as usual. But when she got a guy with whom she was getting along well and who could make her roam on bike and take out to pub, and all. I never thought that she would go to pub but she told me one day that she went to pub. I feel hurt but I said go, but with girls because guys will be drinking in front of her and it won't look good. And trust me ma'am I never went to pub in my lifetime. Then when I listened her voice my heart just got silent and she made me feel like I am not for her and her new boy has done a lot for her and I took her pride by telling all to her friends. Again I want to quote an example: if a boy leaves a girl by giving all false promises, then what's a girl should do. Would she sit silently and not fight every one so that she get him back. For this she would have to tell the truth to the world isn't it! I feel the same. Many of my friends and brothers told me that I am lucky that I didn't have her in case I would have married her and she would have done all this after marriage. Then that would have been more hurting. One of my friends who is very close to me and know us both, told me, friend I have never seen you happy, you always had some or the other tensions because of her. Please move on, its better that GOD have saved you. Trust me after knowing about her reality I don't get that feeling any more but some time yes I still believe I feel like crying for all the sufferings I had to underwent in the past. Please advise ma'am, whether I have done right by saying about us to her friends, I know I wouldn't have got anything out of it. But what I did is I feel so that she should do this with anyone else, or maybe it was an outburst as a result of sitting like a dumby for a long period, and simply listening to her and blindly believing her. Ma'am whomever girl I have met so far, all are selfish, even I got a job where there is all selfishness all-round. If I want to help someone then people say me, why do you take tension, don't worry, and all. Ma'am please tell me if LORD JESUS wouldn't have wished me to know about her then I wouldn't have felt like this the way I am feeling now. I think this condition is better than the earlier at least what I wished (wanted to know the truth as bitter truth is better than sweet lie). I came to know, with the help of LORD. Please advise ma'am, that LORD JESUS have made a plan for me. I will be waiting eagerly from you, as I will feel like GOD has sent 'you' to me. Thanking for all your help, which you provide to the truly needed person. In addition to that ma'am, she said that she likes him and she was caring for him a lot and was not even thinking how it will make me feel. She was saying, see after knowing all about us also her boy wants to marry her but it's the fact that she can't marry him, as she would have to marry her. It made me feel like I was nothing for her. She always hurt me as usual. She wasn't like before. I don't know but sometimes all her heart breaking words remind me that I am nothing and, just nothing. Please advise ma'am. --SHALOM

Signed, Still Broken-Hearted

Dear Still Broken-Hearted,

I'm going to try to answer your questions. But here's the thing, you also have to do what I advise you to do. It's not good enough just to read it but you must do it. That is the only way you will get the benefit. So next time you write to me, I want you to tell me which of these things you have done and you must do at least one of them. Try to do them all.

1. I'm very concerned that you cut yourself. You really must get professional help for this. Please see a school or church counselor or a professional. If you don't, you might get even worse and this could be a real big problem for you.
2. Listen to your friends who told you that you are lucky you found out about her before you married her. You already know she lied to you, also she treated you badly while you were together, now she treats you like she doesn't care about you at all, and yet she wants to keep hold of you (she wants to use you). You must completely detach from her in every way to save you from any more hurt emotionally.
3. From now on, be careful to always keep confidential, anything between you and a close friend, whether female or male. But for everything that you already did wrong, forgive yourself. You must just consider these past mistakes to be lessons you can learn and not repeat them. Although you were wrong to break her confidence, you were justified in part, because she didn't make clear to you why she was breaking up with you, which caused you to try to find out.
4. When I asked you if you got any new information by talking to her friend, what I mean is, how did that information help you. I think it actually upset you more. In any case, now you have all the information you need, so you have no need to talk to any of her friends to get more information.
5. Write on paper what you are looking for in a future wife, and pursue somebody with the qualifications that you wrote down. And only date with the idea "Is this person somebody that I want to marry?" So that way, sex is out, and any emotional involvement is out of the picture. This is the way to approach it, and even if you cannot quite do it, you will be on the right path.
6. You ask about Jesus and the Bible and what advice the Bible would give you and why this is all happening to you. The Bible does say we should guard our hearts. What this means is that we should not let ourselves 'fall in love' until we are sure that this person is worthy of that love. This is why I ask you to make the list (above). Also, we should not 'fall in love' or 'give our hearts' to someone that treats us badly. Also, we don't entirely give our hearts to someone until we are married. Not just sort of married but really married. It's my opinion that it's not Jesus that got you into this, you got yourself into it. That's ok but next time don't give your heart so easily. Be very wary at first. Jesus does have a plan for your life and once you get past this you will find out what it is.
7. Get connected with other females in a social setting by relating to them in a very superficial way, outside of dating them. For a time, so as to keep you focused and grounded emotionally, so as not to get stuck in your past relationship emotionally. By social gathering I mean, such as churches that have singles groups, or maybe groups at school. Stay away from the bar scene in relating to women. Most of them are there for a pick-up. And stay away from anything of any sexual nature with women.
8. You must talk to your spiritual leader or advisor such as at your Temple or Church (Pastor). He or she will be able to advise you what to do. I think you are obsessed about this and you need to change that. If you were in the United States where I am, I could provide you other resources. But I do not know about the resources in your country. Please show your advisor the letters you have written to me and my answers and he will be able to help you from this point onward.

I'm willing to help you as long as you want to help yourself, and you have not proven to me that you do want to. I want you to show proof, of what you've done, to me, through documentation, in other words, what I've asked you to write. In other words, what have you done socially to get better. Tell me what you have done in this regard. Then I'd be more than willing to help you further. You have to get sick of being sick with your behavior, then and only then will you be better. I say this because I care about you, in the state you find yourself in. Code: Q45.

The Queen, 2/5/10

I am really Happy and I am following your advice. I used to love a girl in my school days. I just met her through one of the social networking (orkut). She loves me a lot but I can't marry her, as I am waiting for the one with whom I can spend my whole life. All credit goes to YOU. Thank you a lot. I am surely blessed by your advice. You have helped me during the need when no one actually did. May GOD Bless You always. I will remember you always not even my bad time but also in good times. Warm Regards.

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Critical Problem - Wants to Share.

Dear Queen,

I am facing a very big problem in my life. I don't know the reason behind it but please suggest to me some way so that I will save myself in future. The problem is, whenever I get in touch with any girl I get emotionally and most of the time sexually attracted toward her. Due to this, every time I have to loose my career in between it and neither do I get the girl. Instead my own created good image will get disturbed. Please help me. This happened four times in my life. Currently I'm 29 years old. I want that in the future this thing is not going to happen by my own hand. For God sake. Please help me.

Signed, S.

Dear S.,

You are smart to do something about this, so you can have more success in your life. There's two parts to your problem. First is understanding what you need to do and second is how are you going to actually do it.

First, you need to find a different way of relating to the girls. Find what to say to them that is appropriate. This is just as an illustration: You're out with friends and you see a beautiful girl across the room and you think "I'm going to marry that woman." So you go over to her and you ask her to marry you. Well, that's pretty much what you are doing but not in those words. You have to learn to go very, very slow, and this will be normal for her. Learn the right things to say.

Also, don't make your decisions with your emotions. Your emotions are only one factor to consider and any emotion you must evaluate with your mind to decide if it is something for you to act on or not. Never let any relationship interfere with your career. All relationships and other activities should be done around your career and any other obligations you might have.

When you start up a new relationship, don't even think at this time that you want to be romantic with this person. You don't even know this person well enough, as yet, to know if you want to continue further. First thing you need to do is get to know her and let her get to know you. You should establish a friendship first. What you might be able to do is become 'just friends' with one or more girls that you are not attracted to. This will help you learn what it should be like with someone you are attracted to. Only after some length of time, several months at least, would it be correct to start to get romantic.

All these things, if you can do them, will fix your problem. However, getting control of your emotions might not be so easy. But knowing what you want to do is the first step.

Here's what I suggest to get control of your emotions. Pay careful attention and notice when the emotion first starts. At that time, take three deep breaths. Don't try to stop the emotion but notice that it is rising up within you. Become very aware that it seems to act on it's own. It may take a few times but this should lessen the emotion, even stop it. Which is not to say you won't find someone attractive, but the attraction will be more normal, so it won't overpower you.

I really think it would be good to let me know how this works for you, after you try it just one time. When I know the results I might have other suggestions. Code: Q43.

The Queen, 1/23/10

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Which Home Should I Live In?

Dear Queen,

I need help on where to live. I am 48 years old and I am working. I have a housing association flat (fixed term leasehold) but I am not happy. I really love my peace and quiet. I live on my own. I don't trust my neighbour to be quiet. He doesn't work and can go to bed very late at night.

If I give up my flat I am told that I will never get another from the council. I completed a mutual exchange about six months ago because I wanted to get out of a very noisy third floor flat.

I have options to get a room in a house, an unfurnished flat. I am not sure what to do yet but have been stressed by the whole thing.

I know that the council will help if I have anti social neighbours. That makes me feel a bit better but I would love to feel relaxed in myself again. There is alot more I could say but will leave it there for the time being. Thank you.

Signed, T.

Dear T.,

The thing is, you really aren't giving me enough information so if this answer doesn't seem right, you could provide more.

It seems to me that if you could get into the new place it would be much more peaceful there. I suppose there's no guarantee it would be quiet but if the owners live there it probably would be. But you have to go through all the work to move which will use a lot of your time and energy. Also, I'm sure it will be pretty expensive because of the cost of moving in addition to having to buy your own furniture. But if you are resourceful, you can find very affordable furniture and once you have it, then you have the ability to live a better lifestyle. Also, have you seen this flat so you know for sure you would like it?

So if you can resolve the problem where you now live, that might be easier for you, even if it means another 'mutual exchange' move. It would seem to me your association should have rules about noise. Such as quiet from 10 p.m. until 8 a.m. or whatever. If those rules are in place, there should be a procedure they follow when someone complains about noise. Perhaps you can first report this problem and ask them what they think you should do. It might not be considered an anti social problem but more routine than that.

If your neighbor is waking you up at night, you might be able to solve this by wearing earplugs. I myself have to wear them because of traffic noise where I live wakes me up. Be sure to get those that are strong enough, otherwise they won't work. Ask your pharmacist which are the best.

Another thing to consider, can you try to solve the problem where you live now, then if it doesn't work out successful, you can move to another place. Code: Q42.

The Queen, 1/22/10

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I'm Unpopular and Unhappy.

Dear Queen,

I don't know where to start. Well I have this friend and she's talking to me for one minute and then when her other friends show up and talk to her they act like I'm not around. And they ignore me for the rest of the school hours and I'm always walking home alone and sitting alone all the time. Plus I always think to myself -- why would anyone talk to me or that no one wants to talk to me because I'm not outgoing like everybody else, smart like everybody else or good looking like everybody else. I don't like to talk about my personal life but I know I can't hide it for long. And I've been stressing over how I only have 2 friends and another that doesn't like me because I'm not like her -- all smart pretty and outgoing like she is. And I'm going to stop now because I'm starting to go in tears just thinking and typing this. What should I do?

Signed, Unpopular

Dear Unpopular,

Here's what you must do. Either do one of these or both of them.

1. Talk to your Pastor at church. Tell him or her your problems, and ask him/her what you should do. He/She will know how to help you figure out the cause and what you should do about it.
2. Talk to your Social Worker at school. Tell him or her your problems. He/She is specially trained to know what to do about problems like yours. And he/she chose this field because he/she really cares about people like you and wants to help you.

Please believe me, this is the best thing you can do. If it is easier for you, you can show them your letter you wrote me and my answer. Then you won't have to explain everything yourself at the beginning. Code: Q23.

The Queen, 9/23/09

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Where is My Life Going?

Dear Queen,

I am rather confused and unsettled at the moment. My marriage broke up two and a half years ago (after 27 years). I wanted it to end but its not been easy. The children live with me. I work full-time and their dad contributes nothing. Also, my mother died recently. We were very close. I kind of don't know what to do with my life. I'm exhausted. Life has become all work and no play. Not enough hours in the day. Sometimes I think I would like a new man in my life, and sometimes I just can't be bothered. I don't trust them anyway. And I find it hard to believe that there are any good ones out there. Seems to me they are only after sex. So, I would like a nice life. Not anything out of the ordinary. But I would like some love and affection. Someone who cares about me, who is not going to do the dirty on me. I have also lost my way career wise. I am just drifting in a job just so I can pay the bills. Life has become very uninteresting. Please help.

Signed, Tired Exhausted and Confused

Dear Tired Exhausted and Confused,

You certainly have been through several stressful events recently, which can explain why you are feeling so tired and exhausted. However, you might have a little depression too, and if so, you should take care of that first. I ABSOLUTLEY DO NOT RECOMMEND a Doctor who will give you Prozac or something similar. Here's what you should do: Make sure you do one thing fun each day. Just one small thing such as read a book, listen to music, sit outside in the sun, etc. Also work on improving your diet. Continually try to eat better and better. Make it a hobby. You will feel much better, each small change you make. Start by taking Apple Cider Vinegar if you don't already. If these steps don't pick up your emotions, I might know about a solution for you (ask me) or you could find an herbal remedy to give you a kick start.

Like a lot of people around your age, you are in a rut career wise. To move out of this rut, the first thing you must do is be grateful for what you have. There are so many people that can't get any job at all. Just think what they would feel like if they had a job that paid the bills. And if you and your children have good health, that's another thing that many people don't have. Think about the many good things you have and feel how wonderful it is. Try to do a little volunteer work. Either visit a nursing home or help out at a free meal site for the disadvantaged. This will help change your perspective.

At the same time, I think your career problem is a practical one of money. First, I'm assuming your children are adults or your husband would be paying child support. If he owes you child support you should take steps to collect on that. But if your children are adults, many parents still contribute anyway and he should. They might have to ask him instead of you doing the asking. Also, your children should contribute to your household. This is absolutely essential so you are not carrying the entire burden.

You should try to find out what you really want to do and if you provide me more information about what you do now, what you might like to do, I might be able to advise you.

Put the idea of a new husband on the back burner. Get the rest of your life into good condition first. If you marry again, you should start out with a good life of your own, not expecting he will fix your life. Code: Q21.

The Queen, 9/9/09

Dear Queen,

Thank you so much for replying to my question.

Yes, I have had some very stressful events in my life lately. I agree about not going to the doctor about depression. I don't believe that approach solves the problem. I have ordered some apple cider vinegar and am going to try to improve my diet as you suggest.

My children are 19 and 15. My eldest contributes to the household but my youngest is still at school. Husband won't contribute and I feel pursuing this will cause so much stress and abuse that I do not want to go down this route.

Career wise, I am an administrator for a charity, but I went back to university as a mature student and gained a degree in social sciences. Ideally, I would love a career where I work from home. I feel tied as I need enough to pay the bills. I would love to work as a counselor or adviser of some sort. I have lots of life experience and love talking to people.

I am not looking for a new husband but I would like male company now and then.

Many thanks.

(Please can you advise how I send you a check. I am in United Kingdom and my checks are in pounds Sterling)

Signed, Tired Exhausted and Confused

Dear Tired Exhausted and Confused,

So happy to know that you can do something so quickly, such as ordering the apple cider vinegar. It's a shame there's not a way to get your ex-husband (or husband) to pay for child support. But I do understand it could use too much of your energy to deal with all that. It's also wonderful that you have been able to have a pretty nice career and pursue a degree in addition. There's a counseling type business I have in mind for you. It is very unusual, most people don't know about it, and I don't want to reveal all my secrets to the public on my website. So I will send you an email to tell you the details then I will post a summary of the results later on.

If you are able to send me a check, thank you very much. I phoned my bank and these are the two options for me to get a check in pounds Sterling.

1. I deposit the check and they convert it then deduct a percentage. She didn't know the exact amount but she thought it would be 1-2 percent. If you are able to convert it before you send it, it would save me paying that percent but you might have to pay a percent at your end then.
2. You can wire it. To do this, I have to get specific instructions about what information you need. I will be charged $15 and you might also be charged something.

Probably, you will send a check, and you should make it out to Abigail Rose and send it to my post office box:
Abigail Rose
PO Box 44092
West Allis, WI 53214
I only check the post office occasionally so I appreciate if you let me know if you do send it. Again, thank you very much for your thoughtful contribution and you should see email from me later today. Code: Q21.

The Queen, 9/9/09

Dear Tired Exhausted and Confused,

I suggested (privately) an alternative therapy procedure that you can investigate and if I think of anything else for you I will let you know. But as I first said, I think your problem is a practical one of money (like many people). Then in addition to your job you have your children. So if you try to add anything you won't have any free time at all. If you research the procedure, using all the four resources I told you about, you might think of a way to start with maybe one client and if it works, maybe you can go part-time on your job at first. I strongly recommend you can use it for yourself first. When you believe in it strongly enough you might find a way.

Otherwise, if you think of any more information you can provide me I might think of something else.

The Queen, 9/21/09

Dear Queen,

You recently advised my to start drinking apple cider vinegar. Can you please tell me what benefits I should be getting from this. Many thanks.

Signed, Tired Exhausted and Confused

Dear Tired Exhausted and Confused,

I wrote some information about Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) on my home page. I would expect you should get some increased energy, mental clarity, and lifting of any depression. Maybe you don't have any depression, I'm just guessing.

If you didn't notice the increased energy and improved mental clarity, either you need some other nutritionals or some other lifestyle change. Perhaps more sleep even. Both my husband and myself started taking the non organic ACV (organic is best but expensive) and immediately noticed improvement in energy, mental clarity, and lifted emotions. By immediately I mean within the first 3 days. I absolutely believe in it now and I think you should continue taking it anyway. Many of the other nutitionals, other people say they feel better but when I start taking them I feel nothing. However, I know they are good for me and I take them anyway.

The thing is, you want to get feeling better, so you aren't so tired and exhausted and ACV is just one thing to start with. Code: Q21.

The Queen, 10/29/09

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