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How to tell husband I want a divorce?

Dear Queen,

I am married and have been for 30 years and my husband has cheated on me a long time ago and I have not been happy since. I do not love my husband and I even don't make love to him anymore. I meet this man, call him John, that worked with my mom and he is just a friend and he has always gave me positive advice to stay with my husband. I don't know but I feel deeply in love with John and I didn't say anything to him or anyone about it. Then it came the day he was going to transfer to a different town because his job needs him there. About an hour away and he gave my mom his number so she could call him anytime for anything. He loves my mom and dad very much and they love him to. I didn't get the chance to tell him bye when it was his last day. A few weeks latter I called John to see how he was doing and that my mom missed him a lot. Then one day he called to talk with my mom because he knew her treatment time. Anyways I tx him just to say hi and see how he was doing and he tx back and asked if I was ok and I said yea I'm ok then he said if I needed to talk to someone that he is here for me to, then one day I had to tell him that I liked him and not in just a friendship way and he knew I was having problems with my marriage but he was there as a friend only then I had told him that I was in love with him and I wanted to be with him and I didn't want to be with my husband no more. John stated that I should really think about it because he stated that sounded funny but he said if he was to be with me it would be for ever because he has only one heart to give and I told him that I am going to leave my husband but it was going to take time. So we started talking more and meeting for coffee or lunch because he was not going any further than that.

As time went on 3 months he stated that he fell in love with me and wanted to have a life with me and I told him that I want the same. But I don't know how to tell my husband and not even me not making love to my husband he (husband) ask me whets going on and I hope he would so I could tell him that I am not in love with him no more and not happy and haven't been in years. I was going through this marriage lying to him and myself. John tells me that if I love him and want to be with him as much as I say I do then I would do anything and everything to make it happen and I do want him and be with him and I didn't mean it to happen but I love him so much. Should I wait until my husband ask me why I don't want make love to him and tell him then. Because I don't want to lose my love and I want to be with him but I am also scared that my husband well try something and I would give in to him just to get it over with and when I tell my love he will turn and walk away. John stated that he would love no other because it would not be fare to the other person because I am the one he gave his heart to he rather be alone than to be with anyone and that broke my heart and loved him even more. I know this is long but I thought you should know how this started and where I am now so please help me.

Signed, Lost

Dear Lost,

Because your husband was unfaithful many years ago, and it seems you never established a good marriage relationship after that, it seems this is grounds (reason) for you to want to divorce your husband. It would have been better if you had done something about this long ago.

I believe the best thing for you to do is to separate from your husband right away. At least you must tell him that you want a divorce. You must be careful that you don't have sex with him, as you mentioned it might ruin your new relationship with John. Don't wait until your husband asks for sex. But if he does ask for sex before you tell him, then you will have to tell him then.

Try not to tell him you love someone else but he will probably ask you and pressure you and you will have to admit it.

Consider that he could become violent, throw you out of his house, etc. Even if he doesn't want to be married to you anymore, it will still hurt him and it will be a shock to him that you are telling him you want a divorce. You should consult an attorney and/or social worker for advice.

You should also consider that something might happen to prevent you from marrying John. You must get divorced whether you have someone new or not. This is what John means when he says you should do everything and anything you can. But even if you didn't love John, you should separate from your husband, not just want to separate. You must change from feeling to doing. Code: Q108.

The Queen, 12/12/11

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Husband and a Boyfriend.

Dear Queen,

I am from chennai .a software engineer.i was good during the college days without talking to boys.buit after coming to work due to the environment i have started talking with boys.especially one am very close with.it was just a frienship and nothing more.but slowly we started talking at night times for late hours.we discussed about sex in the phone.literally it was a kind of phone sex.this continued for 4 days and then i realised this was wrong.then we decided not to repeat it.but again after some few days we again started speaking in this.i dont know wat happens to me at that time.am not able to oppose it too.i myself ask him for that sometimes.i dont know wats wrong with me. i have never been like this before.and morning i feel a sense of some low feeling that i did these things .i dont want to repeat this again and want to be true only to my husband.please guide me through this.pls. thanks and regards

Signed, S.

Dear S.,

The only thing I can tell you is you have to decide if you want to be married to your husband or not. Right now you are acting as if you are not married. You will lose your husband if you continue. Have nothing at all to do with any men except your husband. Only say a polite hello and maybe a bit of small talk. That's it. All of your thoughts, feelings, and time should be for your husband. Otherwise why are you even married? Either fix your marriage or give it up. It's not fair to your husband. Code: Q99.

The Queen, 10/20/11

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Marriage

Dear Queen,

Please help me out of dis confusion ... was in luv with one guy when i was pursung my graduation..it was a relation for three years..but the things are not going well in our relationship(as he dnt care for me to the xtent what i xpectd before starting my relation)so i thought to quit the relation.as d days r passing by i developed feelng for another guy who is my class mate in post graduation.he belong to another state n he is younger dan me by 2yrs.but he luv me alot n care for me a lot.he is d best guy i have evr seen..i can say proudly he is d best guy in dis world..no persn can point out the bad in him.he is dat gud.in few months only i developed a strong relation for him..den one fine day i revealed the things to my first love dat i dnt luv him anymore n more ovr i like anothr guy..dat day he cried alot n asked me to cum back to him..den he threatened me dat if i dnt go back to him he will die.so i dnt have any option n i told my condition to my second luv and went back to the first person.bt i was unable to develop the relation n luv i was havng previously for him(as i left evry feelng for him n developed relatn wth the second persn).im still havng d luv n feelng for the second persn bt im continuing my relation wth the first persn.n d second person who luv me alot cry evry day askng me y cant u stay wth me forevr..n abt me i was thinkng like wat if i leave d first persn,he may die if i leave him bt i dnt have any feelng for him...n finally one thing i can say both luv me too much nw n dey r ready to do anythng for me...i dnt have any solution for dis problem n i keep on thinkng evry sec wat to do n hw to solve dis...n whom i should choose out of two...can u please gve me an advise so dat it can help me out.

Signed, SW.

Dear SW.,

The worst thing you can do is stay with someone you don't really love. You care something about him but it is not marital love. If he would become suicidal, he must check himself into mental health facility -- you can do nothing for him.

The only thing is, I have some concern if you are even ready for a relationship because the poor decision you made to go back to someone you don't love, because of a threat. Code: Q98.

The Queen, 10/20/11

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Marriage in Trouble.

Dear Queen,

My husband and I have been married 5 years and for the most part it has been good. But the past 8 months have been hell. He has become abusive (physically and mentally); he won't carry on a conversation with me or go anywhere with me. If I ask him to go someplace with me (like shopping or out to eat) it makes him mad. If I try to carry on a conversation with him, all I get is a yep or a head nod. Sometimes he even tells me to shut up, he's watching TV. He doesn't treat anyone else this way. Only me. He hit me the other night, so I called the police. This was not the first time he has been violent towards me, but the first time the police have been out. He was shouting and even started punching himself in the head. After that, he said, "I'm going to have proof you hit me". When I hadn't even put my hands on him. I didn't have him arrested, but I did leave for a while. I talked to him and he seemed really sweet, so I thought maybe just maybe he had seen the light and was going to change. Not so much. I come back and he is still verbally abusive towards me, he doesn't want to talk to me about any of our problems (yet he tells everyone else) and he still claims he didn't hit me. I don't know what to do anymore. He tells me he loves me, but where I come from you don't treat the people you love like this. I would like to work things out with him if he would just change. He can be nice. He was good to me when we first got married. I don't know what caused him to change; I just know that I can't continue to live like this. Please give me advice if you have it. I am at my wits end here!!

Signed, N.I.

Dear N.I.,

Because your husband only started this abusive behavior recently, I think it is because he has some personal problem and he doesn't know how to solve it. It could be his job, finances, or his health (maybe even other things). He could be addicted to something. If you knew what this was and if you could help him solve the problem that would be the ideal thing. Very likely though, there is nothing you can do about it. He's the one that has to do something.

I know you don't want to hear this but what you have to do is divorce him. He will not change but he will tell you he will. But over and over again he will restart the abuse. Why suffer through maybe 10 years of being hit and verbally abused and then divorce him? It might be possible that once you file for divorce he will actually change. But he will probably need some type of psychology or psychiatry to be able to change.

If you have a church, you should ask your pastor or other ministry leaders that help marriages. Some of them may know how to help your husband. Otherwise, you might be able to do as this book advises: "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.

Another thing for you to be concerned with, he could become even more violent, and you don't mention if you have children. You probably should seek help from an abuse shelter and do what they advise you to do. Code: Q72.

The Queen, 1/14/11

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He loves someone else.

Dear Queen,

I'm 28 married before two months back. My husband loves still his ex. He was engaged with her but due to some misunderstanding they have broken the relationship. Before marriage I have asked him that if he want to marry her he can continue. He said no she was my past. But now after marriage I feel that he doesn't love me. He likes me care for me. He talks to her met with her. And he usually asked from me that can I allow him to talk to her until she don't get marry. What should I do. Please help me out.

Signed, S.

Dear S.,

Your husband should break off all contact with his ex-wife. You should ask him to do this and he should understand that it's what he must do. It would be the same if he met a new person. If he does this, your marriage probably will be alright. Code: Q74.

The Queen, 1/28/11

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My wife not forgive me.

Dear Queen,

I spoke with a girl over phone. But my wife is listening our conversations. Now she is very, very upset and emotional about my behavior. I am now feeling that I'm doing a very, very, very bad thing and I apologized on my behavior to her. But she doesn't forgive me yet. I'm feeling very bad on my doing. I love her very much. Please advice me what to do now.

Signed, D.K.

Dear D.K.,

The reason your wife doesn't forgive you is she thinks you will do it again or maybe you will do even more. And really, that is my concern also. The only thing you can do is become completely devoted to your wife and when she sees this she will forgive you, although it might take some time. And you cannot pretend, it has to be real. Code: Q71

The Queen, 1/7/11

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Underdog or Villain?

Dear Queen,

I was looking for somebody to give me a neutral advice. Went to a priest but he was too busy and left me hanging still with a heavy heart.

Upon reading some of the problems shared by your followers, I found the problem of Scared (Jan 2010) quite similar to my own problem. I like the advice of one of your readers. Exactly the same with my problem. I am the easily annoyed person and my husband is the tolerant, easy-going, does not care attitude person.

My husband is very complacent in every way, including being the prime provider in the family. Because of that attitude I decided to help him and work. More than ten years now I am working but since then I am the one earning more than him. It seems not bothering him at all, but inside me it irritates me. I wanted to spend more time with my kids and keeping the house clean and in order. But quitting or working less will suffer our financial status.

I decided to upgrade my nursing and work part time to give way to my schooling. Because of that we are now struggling financially. We are cutting back on so many things now because of cropping credit cards bill. I took kids extra curricular activities out and YMCA membership, we also cut backs on our food shopping (we don't go out to eat neither for entertainment). These things won't even make him work extra neither worry. To top it up his mother lives with us. She is working full time as a cashier but does not share any expenses in the house but rather send money to her other son that live in a different country. Her other son is 50 years old married with five kids and out of work for three years now.

These things really pissed me off and always the start of arguments. I would like to understand his end but I feel I am the under dog here. They (my husband and mother-in-law) find me complainer, nagger and domineering. I am just very responsible and caring and would like things in proper places. I am almost at the end of the string and I am going to explode soon. I don't want this to happen, we have three kids that will suffer if I decide to end this marriage. We have been married for 21 years now.

Signed, Scared Too

Dear Scared Too,

Your husband is the one that is wrong, not you. He should be supporting his family entirely. It's good that you can help out, but you shouldn't have to be the main breadwinner. His mother also should contribute to the household if she lives there. Perhaps half to you and half to her other son.

I notice a difference between the Question you mention, by Scared. Her husband is trying to change her personality. You just want your husband to care about his family.

As for their accusation that you are a complainer, nagger, and domineering: you wouldn't be those things if your husband financially provided for you. You are just reacting to the circumstances you are in.

The only thing is, because of the bad economy, even if a man wants to work he might not be able to. Even so, for example, you are updating your education and he is not.

The thing is, I don't really know how you can change him. The only thing I can suggest for you is try to get on the Dr. Phil show. If he takes on your cause, he will provide much help and at no expense to you. Go to his website and send him email. Don't worry because your husband won't go on the show -- that's Dr. Phil's problem. Otherwise, you could try to get some marriage counseling. Code: Q66.

The Queen, 10/22/10

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Husband and His Son.

Dear Queen,

My new husband will not discuss Life Insurance with me, he says he has a policy at work and it is going to his son. He says that is the only person he will leave anything to. I purchased our mobile home with the money I got from my previous divorce and moved it on a piece of land he had been paying on for 12 years. He refinanced it when we got the trailer. His son tells me the place will be his should something happen to his dad. I have a problem with this. This is my home why should I be left with nothing should he die. Also he has already told me and his son, should he die, his truck, and any personal items all go to his son. That means I wouldn't even have anything to sell should I need the finances. I feel like I have been used like he doesn't think we will last or something. He has also told me he might put a lien on the property so if I tried to sell it his son would get half of the value I sold it for. Is this real? Can he do this? What should I do? Get out now?

Signed, J.

Dear J.,

Here's the thing -- Why would you want to be with this man? If he treats you so badly regarding his inheritance, I find it hard to believe he treats you any better regarding anything else. So why do you want to be with him?

Secondly, I don't think you are even married, I think you are just living together. If this is true, then the best thing you can do is to get out now. And next time, don't live with a man without getting married FIRST. Don't give it away free!

But if I am wrong, and you indeed are married, then you must consult an attorney. I know this will cost you some money but it will save you more money. An attorney will be able to tell you how to protect your assets if you stay married and also what is the best you can do for yourself if you get divorced. This is not a real marriage. The husband you want should adore you, provide for you and protect you. Code: Q65.

The Queen, 10/19/10

Dear Queen,

I don't know why you assumed I wasn't married. I am, I have been married to this guy for 1-1/2 years. I met him while I was going thru my divorce after being married for 25 years. He promised me the world, was going to take care of me give me anything. Well, about a month after we married he changed. I used the money from my divorce to purchase our new home. The very day it was delivered he started arguing with me. He would drink about 5 beers before I married him in the evenings, but now he drinks 12-13 every evening. It is a very expensive habit. It makes him have mood swings he will be fine one minute and arguing and cussing me the next. He will blurt out I need to just LEAVE but If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have the home he has now, and if I would have known he was going to be like this I would have never purchased it, but I was thinking about a lifetime. Now he acts like I need to just leave since it's on his property its HIS. He is very controlling. Before I married him I was going to be able to go back to school now he tells me I have to work everyday. He expects me to put all my check in the bank and if I keep any of it I have to keep receipts where I spend it. It's crazy. I just don't know what to do, the thought of going thru another divorce sickens me. He can be so sweet but he can be such an ass. I don't know what to do. He only really cares about his son, and he lets that be known.

Signed, J.

Dear J.,

Now that you've told me more information, I have a better understanding. But I will say this, because he was drinking 5 beers before you married him, you should have known that this would be a problem. Any daily drinking is too much. Nevertheless, now that you are in this situation, here is what I suggest:

I do know that some men change after they get married. Oftentimes, almost immediately or else within about a year. This, of course, ruins the marriage.

A major part of the problem is his drinking. I know how he can cure that (which I will tell you about shortly). But the thing is, even if he quits drinking, it might not change his viewpoint on money. Ideally, there should be enough money for both you and his son. But if he doesn't quit drinking, there is no hope at all for any kind of a marriage with him.

And to solve your problem you might have to put your marriage at risk. I know you don't want to but you have no choice, unless you want to live the rest of your life with this bad treatment.

So what you need to do is first address the drinking. If he won't then, or if he quits but still treats you badly, you must take a stand. What you want to do is go step-by-step to convince him that you will leave and you will file for divorce, if he doesn't change. But you have to actually do it, if it goes that far.

First, you must consult an attorney, to find out what your financial rights are. For example, maybe you can get just a financial separation from him, but not a divorce. The sooner you do this the better. You will have the information you need to decide what to do.

Second, if possible, since it is your trailer, one day while he is at work, move the trailer. This will probably require help, such as if you have a brother or a good friend. It will also take planning. Leave him a letter, or other message, to tell him what you have done. Always give him a chance to change and then you will change too. You might think of a smaller step such as arrange for a moving truck, and tell him he should move his things out. However you do it, you must convince him you will not continue as he has been treating you. You might be able to take a smaller step such as your own checking account.

Third, if this doesn't get results, you will have to file for divorce. I think you can do this yourself, without an attorney, if you put in the work to find out how to do it. Again, if he changes then you also will change and 'start all over'. Tell him you want to start all over as if you just got married last week. Remember, you can file and then change your mind, if he changes.

Otherwise, you could try marriage counseling, but really, they are going to tell you the same thing. Very likely, they will tell you it is up to you to demand better treatment.

Here is what he can do about drinking alcohol. I know of two cures:

1. I know of an easy procedure, which involves tapping on the acupressure points, which will entirely get rid of the desire to drink alcohol. I would walk him through it by phone. It probably will take more than one time. I would phone him and he would have to be available at my convenience. He would have to follow up with me and tell me the results and keep working at it if it doesn't work immediately. But when it works, he would be completely free of it. He would even be able to drink occasionally and it wouldn't start him drinking again. However, if he started drinking again he could make another habit of it and then have to do more tapping. He doesn't have to admit he's an alcoholic, talk about why he's drinking, analyze any of his problems. But he has to want to do it. If he does, tell me where you live (which country) and time zone, so we can arrange a time.

   This has the advantage that you can also use it for other addictions such as cigarettes, soda, candy, etc. Also, it is known to work for many people, probably everyone.

2. I know an easy honey cure. He would eat a specific amount of honey at specific times for a few days. Total being less than 16 ounces. I read about this in a book and the person described never took another drop of alcohol. However, I don't know anyone who has tried this.

Let me know what he wants to do about the drinking. And if you have to take the difficult path, maybe I can advise you as you proceed. Code: Q65.

The Queen, 10/22/10

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Husband Moved Out.

Dear Queen,

My husband has moved out 2 weeks ago and moved in with another woman. He said I didn't hold him and give attention. Do I wait for him or do I call him. We have been married 30 years. Please advise.

Signed, D.

Dear D.,

Sorry to be the one to have to tell you this but neither calling him nor waiting for him will get your husband back. Because he has moved out, he probably will not come back to you. There must have been signs of trouble for a long time before he moved out and that was the time for you to do something. Calling him, and chasing him, will only drive him further away.

The only thing that might bring him back: You could establish friendships with other men so he thinks he's at risk of losing YOU. You should create a new life for yourself, that is full and exiting, so any man would want to be with you. Code: Q59.

The Queen, 9/13/10

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Abusive Husband.

Dear Queen,

I've been in an abusive relationship with my husband for 6 years now. It's hard for me to leave. I really don't know what to do. It may seem strange but I still love this man. He's currently in anger management but yet he seems more violent than ever. A few days ago he bashed the 42 inch LCD TV that I bought last month. He moved his clothes to his mother's house, then he came back to the house and tried to enter with his keys but I had the locks changed. So, he busted one of the windowpanes on the front door. All he does is keep apologizing and want to come back home. What should I do? I have 3 children and 2 of them were home with me when he busted the windowpane. Any advice?

Signed, Treasure

Dear Treasure,

Sorry to be the one to have to tell you this but you are going to have to protect yourself and your children from your husband. If you don't do something, he will hit you or the children or both and he could even do worse than that. If I were you, I would contact an abuse shelter and follow their advice about what you should do. The fact that you love him has nothing to do with it. That's a separate issue, which you can only deal with when he is not abusive.

Aside from this, there's one thing I know about that would help your husband but it will only help him if he does it. It's not hard to do but usually people don't believe it will work so they refuse to do anything. For this solution, please see this question Husband has Anger Issues. and follow that advice. Code: Q57.

The Queen, 7/24/10

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Husband Won't Work

Dear Queen,

I have a problem with my husband. First of all, he seems to be very unemotional and lacking compassion sometimes in our relationship. For seven years his father has lived with us and is sick, does not work and is very unpredictable. He has diabetes. I understand that and I know him and my husband haven't had the best relationship, but my husband is making things really hard. He doesn't care to hear me at all, with simple things that go on in my life; I can't even talk to him about. He also wants me to cook for him on a daily basis. I do not enjoy this and have tried but he seems so irritated when it isn't cooked the way he wants, or the style of food he wants. He does not work and we have three kids and I work very full time, as I am a salon manager. He does get unemployment and all but I don't understand why when I go out for a short period of time with my friends, he is whining on how I didn't make him lunch or dinner. I'm only off a couple of days and try to invite him out but he won't go. I am so confused. Am I supposed to cook and work and clean and take care of the kids? I am very stressed. Please help if you can.

Signed, T.P.

Dear T.P.,

Here's my opinion, and it's based on what I've read about marriage counseling: You can't make someone treat you good if they don't want to. But you could try, through marriage counseling, to get your husband to change. You could even try to get on the Dr. Phil show and that would surely have good results for you.

Because your situation is so difficult, I asked my husband's opinion. And he said you should talk to your husband and work out a division of the work so you don't have to do everything.

Here's my opinion: Your husband isn't worth the trouble and work he is causing you. There's no reason you should have to do all the work. Why can't he learn to cook? If he had a really good paying job, especially so that you wouldn't have to work, then you certainly would do all the housework and cooking. I think your only solution is to tell him you want a divorce and stick to it unless he really changes. It's not good enough that he say's he will change - continue with the divorce unless he does things different such as learning to cook. It would be best if you could move back with your parents in the meanwhile but with 3 children that's probably not possible. You can get help by reading the book by James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough". You can follow his advice and improve your life greatly.

Sorry I can't offer you much help. Code: Q56.

The Queen, 7/16/10

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7-Month Old Baby and My Husband Wants a Divorce.

Dear Queen,

My husband and I have been together for a year now. We have a 7-month old daughter. I have been on maternity leave for 7 months now and I'm mostly at home doing the house chores and taking care of our baby. My husband is a mechanic and he works long hours. He sometimes works on the weekends to earn some more money. Right now he's studying French after work during the week and he comes home very late at night. We hardly spend time together and we're not that intimate either.

A few months ago his brother and his wife came from Guatemala and are now living with their Uncle. I don't approve of his brother, he's always intoxicated and I just feel uncomfortable around him. The thing is my husband always spends all his time with his brother instead of with our daughter and I. During the weekend when he's off from work, he goes over to his uncle's house or his sister-in-law cousin house where his brother often visits. It's unbelievable how he bends backwards for his brother but with me he doesn't bother. He just doesn't understand that he has a family of his own now and that we need him more than ever. I feel lonely and miss him dearly and would like us to spend time together.

I've told him several times that I would like him to spend some time with us. However, whenever I bring it up we end up arguing. To make matters worse he now wants to divorce me because I accidentally insulted his family. I know it was uncalled for. However, I just don't understand why he treats us like that.

Signed, In Tears

Dear In Tears,

This isn't what you want to hear, but it seems that your husband doesn't want to be married to you. At least that is the way he is treating you. And if he actually threatened divorce, he likely will do that either now or in the future. But I don't think it is because you insulted his family. Lots of people have trouble with in-laws, and/or don't like their in-laws, but no one gets divorced because of it. But he could use that as the reason. So even though I don't think you were entirely wrong, you should apologize anyway, and try to mention that you are jealous of them because he spends his free time with them instead of you. There are two things that you need to do.

I. Try to do something right away to fix this problem. And the best thing I can think of is try to get on the Dr. Phil show. If you can, they will cover expenses and help you in every way, even if you end up divorced. But he may be able to get through to your husband and change his mind. Another option is an online Marriage Counseling website which I will send you email about it because I don't want to publish that here. And the third thing you could do is get some Social Services help. With all of these people, tell them you have a 7-month old baby and your husband wants to divorce you. Tell them this first thing, like in the title, so they understand how serious it is, and they should then do something quickly. This same letter you wrote me is very good to give to them also, and you may also give them my reply, if you want.

II. Try do something long-term, but start on it now, and I know this will be hard for you to do because of so much of your time is required for your baby. You must develop an interest for yourself such as a career or business. And I don't mean to get a job--that would probably be useless because it would just use your time and not make enough money to make a difference. It's really a good thing for you to be home with your baby if there is any way possible for you to do that. And I don't mean meeting people socially. I mean learn about something so you can make a career or business out of it. You will have to pick something that you really care about and develop it. Probably, you could start by reading books but it would be best if you could take a class. Not only will this give you a long-term goal so you would be able to financially support yourself someday, or add some good income to your family. But in addition, this will make you an 'interesting person', so that your husband has a reason to want to be with you. You will have something exciting in your life. Other people will find you more interesting also and that is another side benefit. Basically, you want to try to get to where your husband wants to be with you even more than you want to be with him. Code: Q53.

The Queen, 4/27/10

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Married But Arguing.

Dear Queen,

I am a married woman. My husband and me love each other so much but the problem is that we are completely different in behavior. I take the life easy but he is very idealistic. So we argue on even little things. These arguments are going to destroy our relationship and we don't want that. Please help me. What should I do?

Signed, Scared

Dear Scared,

Please give me a little more information about who starts these arguments and what they are about. What happens if you refuse to argue and tell him to leave you alone? Code: Q35.

The Queen, 1/6/10

Dear Queen,

Thanks a lot for your advice and attention. But what can I do if we want to decide about something? He always thinks that I am not serious about anything and I cannot decide like an adult. He doesn't force me to accept his opinions, but it could be a beginning for an argument.

For example, sometimes bad behavior of other people is not really important for me, but is so important for him. Or for example the way of speaking in front of a group of people is very important for him. I take life easier than him, but he wants me to change and be more serious about everything.

In addition when he starts to criticize me, he speaks loudly and I always tell him that you shouldn't talk with me like this, and I criticize him that he has a bad temper and it is a beginning of the argument. I feel terrible during that. And I get so sad when he speaks badly with me. I think that we are so different in behavior and maybe our marriage was wrong and I'm scared about that so much.

The worst thing is that sometimes, it doesn't happen usually, but when I do something wrong in front of others he wants to tell me there, and I don't like his bad temper in front of others.

At the end we forget everything because we love each other, but nothing will change, and another day we argue again on the same problem. We have a lot of good times together every day, but an argument like this can ruin everything and I am so scared about that.

Signed, Scared

Dear Scared,

Ok, thanks for telling me the details. I think I will be able to help you. You might have to do several things, try one step at a time, find out what works, etc. It might not be one instant solution. But I think you can solve this.

Here's what I think you should do. Both of you should read this book: A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. You probably can get it at the library, otherwise you will have to purchase it. This book will help you both get control of your behavior. Of course, you also have to do what the book tells you but most people that read the book get great benefit from it. This particular book confuses some people at first but keep reading and it will make sense to you eventually. Even read the book twice, if necessary. The only thing is, maybe your husband won't read it. Then it will still benefit you but not as much.

Meanwhile, here are some practical suggestions for you both.

First for your husband, you should not try to change your wife. Try to work around problems you see with your wife and also suggest to her what she might do different. Pick one most important thing and just try to deal with that first. Also, you shouldn't raise your voice or talk badly to her around other people. You probably know all this already, the problem is that you don't know any other way to deal with it. I think the book will help you greatly.

Then for you, please remember that for your husband, his public image is very important. And there's nothing wrong with that. When you mention his speaking in public, I'm not sure if you mean he is giving a speech or presentation to the public or maybe it is just when together with friends. Either way, he will care about what people think about him and people will also judge him by your behavior and appearance. Be very careful what you say around other people and say nothing if you are not sure.

Before we can get results through reading the book, or some other way if that doesn't work for you, try not to let it bother you whatever your husband is doing. Just try to ignore it for now. We know that he's wrong but for now just refuse to let it upset you. Later, these issues will be resolved so I hope you can do this temporarily, to keep the peace.

It's really good that you both enjoy each other and have a good marriage. Also try to view your differences as good things. Each of you has some good qualities -- you are easy going while he is very responsible and caring. Your marriage needs both these so sometimes one way should be done and at other times the other way. There may be some practical issues that can be resolved by discussing and coming to an agreement but probably you can't do this until you can quiet the emotions around the arguments.

Try not to think there is something wrong with the other person. Just think he or she never learned how to do it the better way.

It would seem that if you have a lot of good times together and you get over the arguments quickly, you have a good marriage. You are right though that the arguing is a big problem that you need to solve. If these suggestions don't help you, maybe I would think of something else, so let me know. Code: Q35.

The Queen, 1/7/10

Dear Queen,

I am so happy to find you. After reading your answer, I was so happy, because you understand my problem and me and my husband's behavior exactly as it is, and I believe that your advices are like key to my problem. So I will do all of your suggestions and advices, and will inform you about the results. Thanks again so much for your help and attention.

Signed, Scared

Dear Scared,

Great, and please let me know how it works out for you. In case this doesn't solve your problem entirely, I may have other ideas for you.

The Queen, 1/11/10

Dear Queen,

I would like to give suggestions to Scared, Q35.

I am much like her husband. I have a bad temper and when I encounter people with bad behaviors, I don't let that pass. And my wife hates that very much. On the other hand my wife likes to babytalk to me in public. Just her idea of being sweet. And I hate it a lot.

But here's what we do. When I'm mad and I am raising my voice to her, she shuts up and listens. And she would have that face, like the face of a cat asking for food or for mercy. Something I could not stand. I would end up hugging her and saying sorry instead. And then we end up talking in a very casual tone, in somewhat a sweet way.

On the other hand. When she's raising her voice on me, I would respond in the same manner. If she'd realize I was right, she'd shut up and listen. If she thinks I'm wrong then she would keep on arguing and would even insult me sometimes. Lucky for her I'm the type who doesn't like arguements so I'd get out of her sight to cool down. Minutes after I'd get back to her and then we'll talk things like civilized people.

I don't know how we do it but we've opened ourselves up to being shaped up by each other. She believes that she can see the good things and the bad things in me better than I can. And I've learned to believe that too.

For example, she hates being told what to wear (yeah I tell her what to wear a lot of times:). If she's not comfy she'd tell me, then we'll find something else. She does the same thing to me, although not that often.

Signed, Jeg

Dear Jeg,

Thank-you for these good suggestions for 'Scared'. I underscored the most important part of your advice.

This is a nice contribution to my website as it is the first public answer I have received so far.

The Queen, 4/20/10

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How to Tell My Wife I Want a Divorce

Dear Queen,

I have talked to relationship counselors and got great feedback, but I really need someone to help me on another level here.

This is my situation: I have filed for divorce but have not had my wife served. It has been a very strange chain of events that have made it almost impossible to break the news to her. So I am looking for someone to help me brainstorm ideas and then help carry them out.

We have been married for 27 years. It has been a normal, even good marriage except for one thing -- no intimacy. Something didn't click for her in the very beginning and we have had sex about 1 to 3 times a year.

I knew that someday we would need to split up. Our third son just graduated and I have been preparing for the last few months -- including conversations with her that let her know where my heart and mind are at.

She reacted with sadness for a few weeks and then did something totally unexpected -- overreacting to the last 27 years and wants to have lots of sex now. The problem with this is that I have no desire for her anymore so it's been really bizarre.

To complicate things I am very much in love with a friend. We have not had an affair, but I am ready to marry this woman when the time is right.

My wife's actions have been not only unexpected, but have really been difficult to handle. I am willing to try some radical things if needs be.

Signed, How-To-Do-It

Dear How-To-Do-It,

The fact that you didn't have sexual intimacy throughout the marriage points at a deeper relationship (intimacy) problem which the sex is just a symptom. Sure, you can work together to raise the children and even build a life together. But if there was real intimacy in the relationship one of you would have figured out how to transfer that into the sexual. So there must be more lacking than just sexual intimacy.

So I'm going to assume you have tried to address this already and it has failed. The thing is, she knows this too. She may or may not know it consciously but she does know that your marriage isn't what it should be. I think the sudden sexual interest is her attempt to save the marriage.

The bottom line is she knows the divorce is inevitable but still she doesn't want to walk down that path. And that's understandable. I think what you might have to do is verbally push her to face up to it. For example, if she suggests sex, point out that the problem is more than just sex. It's in the relationship and sex won't fix that. Tell her it's the right time now for both of you to move on to the next part of your lives, find other partners, etc. When she either gets upset or else definitely agrees with you -- That very day or the next day is the time to have the papers served.

In case you can't be direct in this way, I think you need to sit down and have a long talk-it-over with her. Tell her you both know this marriage never was 'right' from the beginning and it's time now for you both to face up to this fact, end the marriage, and move on. If you have to, tell her you already have filed. I think it is the least you owe her -- to tell her that you want a divorce, since you've had such a good, long marriage.

I don't think you should bring up the other woman unless you have no option. She will probably think you are having sex and in any case she will be jealous and hurt. Avoid this if you can. If she asks you if there is someone else you might say "I'm not having an affair." The only thing is, later on she might find out you already had this new relationship and she will think you lied to her.

Another thing to consider. However or whenever you do it, it's going to be very hard for you both. And it will be a shock for her. Even if you tell her directly that you have filed, I guarantee she still will be in shocked disbelief when she sees it in writing. It's just the nature of it and there's nothing you can do about this.

FYI, as far as I know, when someone serves her the papers, he will just verify her identity and hand the paper to her. That's it. I've seen it done to a friend for an apartment eviction.

Try to keep things friendly between you. You will be glad you did later, when you probably will get together for family gatherings. And there still will be issues with the children, perhaps.

All of this assumes, of course, that you are sure you want to get divorced and you don't want me to talk you out of it. Perhaps if she's serious about the sexual interest you can still make it work out. Code: Q4

The Queen, 11/2/08

Dear Queen,

Thank you very much. I can tell you know your stuff.

This is good counsel for me. I definitely have the highest respect for my wife but know we would be happier if we moved on. She, obviously, does not think the same way. I have been on the verge of letting her know the reality of this for a long time -- it's just been very difficult. Yet there is no doubt in my mind this is what I want to do. So the fact that I haven't been able to do it, and yet want to so badly, is why I'm searching for help.

Signed, How-To-Do-It

Dear How-To-Do-It,

Well it's good to know I'm on track with this. The thing is, you said you already were having "conversations with her that let her know where my heart and mind are at" and also that she understood because she reacted emotionally. So this implies that you already did try to tell her and you were partly successful. The thing is, this is so difficult for both of you, it's going to take more than that.

The only snag I can see is if instead of being upset or agreeing with you, she says (in her own words) "You're wrong. We can make this marriage work.". Then you will have a very hard time not to begin working on this marriage. Since you are certain you want to end this marriage then you must be firm and start to focus on -- there is something very, very wrong with the relationship. It's not just sex. The sex springs from the relationship. And that is why you don't have any desire for her now -- because there is no (good) relationship. She also has to start looking at the relationship. Try not to tell her you don't have any desire for her. That's implied and don't try to fight with her and hurt her feelings.

I think that she also does subconsciously know it is best to end this marriage and move on, but walking down that path is too hard to contemplate. So she wants to avoid this. And it's a lot easier to keep going as you are than to start a whole new unknown life.

Whatever you do, do it gracefully. You also have to consider when to serve the papers. Consider that you don't want to drag this out, think it over, change your mind, not be sure about it, etc. Make a clean break of it which is a little tricky probably, since you are living together yet, I think.

My intuition tells me there is more to this problem that will surface yet, so keep in touch with me and let me know if you are able to do what I advise. Code: Q4

The Queen, 11/3/08

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Need Marital Counseling

Dear Queen,

My husband and I DESPERATELY!!!! need marital counseling because he has anger issues. Recently he even hit me once and I have survived some pretty horrible emotional and verbal abuse. We have no health insurance and a weekly or monthly counseling fee is nowhere near fitting into our budget right now. Oftentimes we barely have money for food. I don't mean to come off as though the problems are all his fault, I am certainly willing for some guidance myself.

Signed, Marriage Help

Dear Marriage Help,

I have separated your problem into two parts and previously answered the anger issues (code: Q1). Here are two suggestions for you to try to get some free counseling.

1. Try to get on the Dr. Phil show. I don't know if you are familiar with that show. He is a Psychologist and his program airs on Channel 12, ABC, 3 p.m. weekdays. I'm not saying I like Dr. Phil nor am I saying that I agree with everything he says. Regardless, he does help a lot of people and with problems that are just as serious as yours. Of course, you have to be willing to broadcast your problems on national TV. But if he has you on the show, he will offer you counseling by top-notch professionals and I think it would be in your own city. And he pays for everything. I don't know about the cost of traveling there to get on his show.

   His website is www.drphil.com and you can apply there. If you apply, be sure to tell him how serious it is, both you and your husband are desperate for help (say --please help us Dr. Phil) and that you can't afford to pay.

2. Inquire at Elmbrook Church, Brookfield WI. Someone told me they give free counseling even if you do not attend that church. Or you might try phoning some churches in your own neighborhood. Ask them "Do you give free counseling to people that don't attend your church?" If they do, tell them how serious it is, because he hit you once.

Please let me know if neither of these work for you I will try to find even another solution. code: Q3

The Queen, 5/15/08

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