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Relationships-Misc Advice Page

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Relationships-Misc Advice:

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I am in love with a married guy.

Dear Queen,

I am in love with a married guy. He is changing his decision always as once he says he never apart from me, later he goes without saying anything. I cant live without him. Now we took a home and stays together. I am 26 years and he is 32.yesterday again he left me...in this home I am alone again. Don't know what to do? Cant suicide as my dad too expired recently...my mom and sister will be alone.... soon I may become a mad girl.

Signed, C.V.

Dear C.V.,

Please do yourself one big favor -- Do not get involved with any married men. The very first thing you check out is if he is married and if he is, don't even talk to him. Don't look at him. Stay clear away from him.

But whether or not he is married, clearly he doesn't care about you. He is using you, probably for sex and maybe also to boost his self-esteem. Forget about him. Go find yourself a nice unmarried man who will care about you and treat you good.

There is nothing you can do if someone doesn't care about you. Get yourself involved in social groups such as a church or school groups. Make lots of friends both male and female. Don't sit around the house moping. If you are so down emotionally that you can't do this then phone or go to social services that will help you. Code: Q109.

The Queen, 12/12/11

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My question about my future relation.

Dear Queen,

First of all thanks a lot to you for giving me the answer of my last question. We have a family of 4 members. Me, my brother, a sister and my mother. We have been facing critical financial situation but now the situation is quit better. I have found a better job and my brother and sister are also doing jobs. I have selected my cousin to make her my life partner but I think that I will propose to her after 2 years more when I will become more settled. But if I do not propose to her soon then maybe she will become engaged to any other person. So there is a confusion in my mind whether I should tell her parents now or not about this. My mother feels that my cousin's parents want to engage me and my cousin but I think that I should propose to her after becoming more settled and financially strong.

Signed, M.

Dear M.,

You have a bit of a difficult situation. Your customs are different from ours here in the U.S., so you will have to take this into account also. Waiting until you are better established is a good idea.

Really, it depends a lot on how old you are. If you are old enough, such as in your twenties, and if the only reason you are waiting is to become better established, then I think it would be best if you proposed now but wait about 2 years before you actually get married. The only reason I hesitate to recommend this is because everyone then might begin planning the wedding and spend the next 2 years totally distracted with this which is not what you want.

On the other hand if you are very young yet, or if for any reason you have not totally made up your mind, then it's a good idea to wait before proposing.

The best I can recommend is that you tell your cousin how you feel. Tell her you are planning marriage but it is too soon now, and tell her it might be about 2 years from now. This way, she will have you in mind when she meets other people, and she can compare them with you. Otherwise, she has no idea what you are planning and everyone she meets is a potential husband.

Your customs might not permit this if you have to ask her parents first. I would think, though, that just suggesting what you might do in 2 years if things work out for you both, would be acceptable for you to do. This also doesn't give her parents the idea that there will definitely be a marriage. Code: Q107.

The Queen, 12/12/11

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My problem about my friend.

Dear Queen,

My problem is that I feel that my friend is having an affair with my cousin whom is my ex-lover. Once he shared with me his feelings about a girl and he sent me the sms's of that girl, I started to feel that those sms's are my cousin's sms's I mean the style and words were same to my cousin's sms's. I felt that my friend has got my cousin's cell number and he talks to her which does not seems good to me. I told this to my friend that I am feeling like this but he became unhappy to me and he says that how can I even think of such a bad thing and he make it clear to me but I am still feeling that he is not telling me the truth. I just want to know whether he is telling me the truth or not . . . But I cannot understand how I will know this.

Signed, M.

Dear M.,

I have no understanding of what sms's is so I am limited about your information. If he is lying to you, he certainly is doing it very deliberately (on purpose), probably to make you jealous. The only way you can really be sure is to wait to see what happens. Does he lie about other things?

Here's an idea: try to have a meeting with the three of you, such as a double date. Or any other activity so he will have to bring this girl. You probably can know for sure then. Either there will be another girl who happens to be similar or he will not show you the girl, which probably means it is your cousin.

Try this or something similar, to 'force his hand'. (Make him prove it.) If he is truthful he shouldn't have any problem showing you the girl.

If he wants to date your cousin, you probably can't stop that but he's not much of a friend if he is using her to make you jealous. Code: Q106.

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Parents and Fiance.

Dear Queen,

I really need help regarding this issue I'm having. My parents are old-fashioned Hispanic parents. They are very good parents in the fact that they are there for me and my sisters and brother. They do their part as a parent and they love us so much, but they are so overprotective of us all. My problem here is that we have never been allowed to go out with our boyfriends anywhere. Our boyfriends always have to come to our house to talk to us and see us when they want to but only for a few hours and of course no holding hands, no hugging, and definitely not kissing. I'm 23 years old with a 3-year-old daughter. I am an adult already and I want to be able to make my own decisions. I have told them over and over how I feel and think but it doesn't work. They say we got to respect the house and follow rules, as long as we live there.

Anyways, that's not the biggest problem. My problem right now is that I have been talking to my fiance for 3 years, been together for 2yrs and 2 months now and we are now engaged and have been engaged since feb.2011. We are still not allowed to go out. Actually, only very few times with my daughter...like 3 times that they know of with their permission and only for like 3-4hrs max. It was my fiance, his kids, my daughter and I. Anyways, I am stuck in the middle... :( I feel so much pressure because my fiance has been sooo understanding of this and has stood strong with me. One thing is boyfriends and another fiance. He's on to the next level now and I just don't know. My mom is soooo negative she doesn't want me to go out with him nor do things with him.

She doesn't want me to go alone with him, which is fine, but not even with my daughter, his kids and my brother. I asked to go to a pumpkin patch festival for 4 hrs with my daughter and brother, of course, him and his kids too. She said no right away. Always putting excuses. Well what does she want? My fiance is getting tired of the situation and has been doing all he can to see me every weekend and to be there for me. We live 2 hrs away from each other. Anyways, I can't be there for him cuz they don't let me, I can't go to bday parties cuz he's 2 hrs away and they are scared of me getting in an accident or whatever. Sigh... my fiance wants us to spend time and go out and do things as a family but we just really don't. We always hide from parents on the weekends when he comes so we can go out alone and spend quality time. Hold each other and be happy but we don't want to lie. We don't want to hide. But yet that's the only option we have since they don't understand. I feel in the he middle, being pulled both directions; trying to be there for my fiance and all and standing up for us by telling my parents how I feel and well at the same time trying to please my parents and obey them and not disrespect them. What do I do? Fiance is here and will be but we want to make them understand we need this. We are getting married and going out is not bad and I am an adult and I should be able to make my own choices. Please help. My fiance is getting frustrated and we have been stressing.

Signed, L.B.

Dear L.B.,

Please be aware my answer would be entirely different if you were younger such as maybe even as old as 20 or younger. The first thing that comes to my mind is that why are you at this age still asking your mother for permission to go places. But I think it is because while living with her, when you go out she must 'baby-sit'. However, that doesn't answer why you ask her when you are taking your daughter with you. I assume this is because from teenage years you just continued to do it.

It's my opinion that your mother is way too controlling for your age. Even if she didn't want you to date, she should permit you to go places as a family. The only thing is, changing her will be difficult and maybe impossible. One thing you don't want to do is get in a big fight with her or your father. Here are the things I thought of that you might try to do:

1. If there is a relative, such as her sister or brother, that would point out to her that it is past the time that she should be telling you what not to do. Even a Pastor at your church or school counselor, might be able to change her thinking about this. Explain to your parents that before you get married you have to spend lots of time with your fiance so you can be sure he is the right one. You have to see how he is with your kids. Not just for a short time but what about when some small problem comes up--how does he handle that. This takes much time together, and going places is a very good way. Does she want you to marry someone you hardly know because she didn't let you go places with him?
2. Try to take your mother and father with you. Plan a picnic, visit the zoo, etc. If they can't go then say "We all don't want to stay home because you can't go." But really try to take them with you. When they see you are just doing family activities it should change their mind. Invite them so often they can't keep up with your schedule. Ask them where they want to go for the outings.
3. If you can afford to live on your own. If you can, then start planning to move. Start looking for an apartment. This might make her realize that she must allow you to be an adult.
4. You would have to rebel and tell her that you will from now on come and go as you please because you are old enough to make your own decisions. Don't ask her if you can go, just tell her you are going. But you really can't do this if she has to watch your daughter--this will only work when you both go together. However, she does have a point that you are living in her household, and she might continue to stand by this.

Otherwise, it seems the only thing you can do is tolerate the situation until you get married. But it is good that you are taking your time before you get married and yet you are moving forward at a good pace. This is good and you don't want to rush things. Your fiance should tolerate all this as a nuisance, but he should still want to stay with you and maybe help you figure out how to solve it. Code: Q104.

The Queen, 11/16/11

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Fiance's Past

Dear Queen,

My fiance told me that she was with a dating service called suger daddys, sugar babes and that she had half a dozen or so men who gave her money in exchange for sex. I am devastated by this because I became in love with her. Now I don't trust her and have spent considerable money helping her, her two children and moving in with her. Every time I see her I think of the men she did and I feel miserable. She thinks I'm punishing her and that she loves me and would never do that again. She's talking marriage and I couldn't marry a prostitute. Is it possible to ever trust someone like that and I feel that by not knowing going in I didn't have the opportunity to make a choice with all of the facts. I feel cheated. what should I do?

Signed, D.

Dear D.,

Well this is going to be a very hard decision for you to make. But in my opinion, one thing I can tell you is that you shouldn't make this decision quickly. If you decide to leave her you can decide that quickly but if you decide to marry her then you need much time. Such as at least one year and maybe two years. This is so that you can find out what she is really like. Over time, these things will surface.

To try to determine if you can trust her, you want to consider if she has really changed. I'm sure she did that for money, because she really needed money. But does she now have any other way to make money? Even if you are able to provide for her entirely, what if you got sick and she needed to work? Has she done anything to be able to make money if she needs to, or is she just able to give up prostitution because you are helping her financially.

Try to view this as if she had a different checkered past such as robbery because she needed money. Now she doesn't do that anymore, but what if things get tough for her again, maybe she will take up some type of illegal money making again. If not robbery then passing bad checks, insurance fraud, or whatever. Try to view her situation like that and make sure she has really changed.

It's understandable that you feel cheated, but really there is not a good time for her to tell you about this and at least you know before you married her. Be thankful that you can now make your decision before you are already married. But it certainly would have been better if she told you before you moved in with her.

Because you love her, maybe you want to forgive her and marry her, like some men even stay with their wives after they were unfaithful, as well as some women do. You can do this if you want, by understanding that what she did was because she was desperate for money. However, as I already mentioned, it will take much time for you to be able to be sure she has really changed so that you can trust her. Another thing that comes to mind is was it really only 6 men, because usually it is many more and she wouldn't want to tell you that but 'soft coat it' for you.

Don't worry that you spent money if it doesn't work out. You have helped her and her children greatly, and that's a good thing for you to do and you can feel good about that, not as if she took advantage. The same for any other things you have done to help her out.

Regarding how you can trust someone, after they have violated that trust, it is my opinion, and many people probably disagree with me, but my opinion is that it is up to her to figure a way to win your trust now. She first must understand it is not an issue of you punishing her but rather a feeling that you can't trust her. She should do the work to figure out what she can do about that, not you. But if you can think of something, of course, let her know about it. Code: Q100.

The Queen, 10/28/11

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I'm In Love With My First Cousin.

Dear Queen,

Myself an Ayurveda Physician aged 36 yrs. I'm in love with my first cousin since 10 years. As the tradition of India it is not possible to materialize this relation we were decided to go with our parents decision and we will marry according to them. Presently I'm running 36 and she is 35, according to our society it's too late for marriage.

Her marriage has been fixed with others for more than five times but it's not reached some conclusion till now. She has returned from wedding mandap due to sudden rejection of boy that he is unable to marry with her. Each and everyone were surprised with this happening. I SWEAR that we both are innocent regarding these happenings. As for my parents they are not going to accept our relation and they are blaming us that you both are involved in all these happenings.

My elder brother has done intercost marriage before 10 yrs and my parents have not accepted their relation. I'm trying my best to keep my feelings under control and make them happy, as they want. I have been so much depressed with all these that, just 15 days before I told them I'm not going to marry with anyone and I want to serve the society by joining charitable trusts like RKM.

But still they are in search of some broom. I'm very much introvert have many friends but I have never shared my problems with anyone else till now. I think it's sufficient to understand my pain. I am in need of expert guidelines and I want to know my fault. I know that nobody have time for the problems of others and I never told my problems anyone else; but now I have been so much depressed that I am in need of senior opinion. I will be thankful for same.

With warm regards, S.

Dear S.,

Good that you have been following the practices of your family and society, even though it is very difficult.

As far as I can determine, neither you nor your cousin has actually "done anything wrong". So your question then is why are they still "blaming" you. The only thing I can think of is that because of the attraction between you and your cousin, when she tries to establish a relationship with someone else, things go wrong because "her heart isn't in it". Probably she doesn't deliberately do things. But subconsciously, or even just emotionally, she's not able to go along with it because of her feelings for you. Her emotions are getting in the way of other relationships. That's understandable. It implies that it is not enough for her just to go along with another marriage but she must somehow resolve her feelings for you.

This is a very difficult situation for you all and especially because it is going on for quite a long while. I think you are doing the right thing, though, in avoiding marriage with her. In the event you did marry her, probably it would break your relations with your parents, maybe permanently, and maybe with her parents also.

So overall, I think you are doing everything you can unless you can think of how you could help her "tame" her feelings towards you. In case this is not a help to you, I would try to help you further, or maybe you have a spiritual leader who could counsel you. Code:Q93.

The Queen, 8/28/11

Dear Queen,

Thanks allot for giving such a valuable suggestions.

We both have given sufficient time i.e. more than 3 yrs to our parents honestly for our marriage as they want. But till now they are unable to do this. A person can live in compromised way for how long. Now she is saying me that you just marry with me against my parents' decision and we both will try to convince them. She is saying that you are following such parents who can't understand yr feelings and also they are blaming us although we both know that we were honest to our decisions.

If I go with parents' side they are already in trouble with my elder brother's decision. Then how can I compel them to take any decision in my favor? Its very clear that we both love each other so deeply that it's very difficult to incorporate any one else in our life. Making such a huge compromise if parents blame us then I can't understand what is right. I always have very soft corner and great respect for my parents but they can't understand my feelings.

She has lost her mother 6 yrs back so she is not having any close person with whom she can share her feelings. I have so many friends but none of them is mature enough to help me or share my feelings; that's why I never shared my problem with anyone else. I would request to you for a single answer (if it is possible) knowing all about me, at your own level that; should I go with my parents or with my beloved one? I will be always thankful for you. Kindly give me your valuable guidelines and support to us to resolve this problem.

With warm regards, S.

Dear S.,

I cannot make this decision for you, and I think you know that, but I can try to help you make the right decision.

First, I would suggest that you ask your brother what he would do if he were you. Now that he has already had a similar experience, would he do it again? I think he might be the one who can help you straighten out your thinking.

Many cultures and religions forbid first cousin marriage because children might have genetic defects. Others say there is only a small amount of genetic defects. This is an issue that really can't be resolved but it is something to consider. You will be taking some risk if you have children.

Besides the problem of children, there seems to be only a cultural preference one way or another. There is no real reason for it. In fact, in some cultures it is preferred, oftentimes to keep wealth within the family.

Because of the fact that you are both in your mid-thirties and you mention at that age you are not eligible to marry in your traditional way, it would seem that your parents should remove their restriction. Ideally, you could persuade them before you marry. This might not be possible because you've probably already tried and failed.

I think your situation is very similar to Prince Charles' marriage to Camilla Parker-Bowles. He could not have married her when he was younger but at this later age he could. It would have been rejected by almost everyone but now it is accepted. Everyone enjoys seeing him marry the woman he has loved for so long but at one time it would have been improper.

Consider this though, your parents and her father might never accept your marriage. They haven't accepted your brother's for 10 years so it could be the same for you. This is all right, providing you understand it is a possibility. She should also understand her father's rejection might be permanent.

With all this said, it seems to me that parents shouldn't have a 'right' to deny their children happiness. Although it is not really the right thing to do to go against your parents, perhaps you might have to. If you make up your mind you want to get married, you might write your parents a letter, telling them how much you respect them and care about them and then telling them that this love you have can't be denied. That might bring them around to understand they must permit the marriage. Code: Q93.

The Queen, 8/31/11

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Stuck with Negativity.

Dear Queen,

I've been friends with a girl I'll call Sarah for over four years now. We've been roommates since the end of January. When I first met Sarah, I didn't like her at all. She was blunt, overbearing, and seemed to sap my energy just by standing next to me. But then I got to know her and, realizing there was much more to her than what she showed the world, quickly became very fond of Sarah. I could talk to her about things that I couldn't with other people. She challenged me and taught me to stand up for myself. The problem is now, four years later, she's a different person. She was pessimistic and blunt before--now she's depressingly negative and plain mean. She constantly talks about how much she hates people, and how she can never get close to anyone because they always leave her. She calls me names then says she was "just teasing," and belittles all the things she knows are important to me. Just yesterday she talked negatively about me to my bosses, who had loved me before, and exaggerated quite a bit. I know I can't stand up to her because she'll just tear me down again with her debate skills. I recognize the signs--she's trying to push me away before I leave her. She's done it before to different people. I know she's better than this, and I care about her a lot. But most of all, I don't want to prove her right. I want her to know that there's at least one person who will be her friend no matter what. How can I do this when she's tearing down my confidence and weighing me down? And it's not like I have an easy way out, anyway, as our lease doesn't end til the end of the year.

Sincerely, Stuck

Dear Stuck,

The bottom line is you are fighting a losing battle. She is on that negative path and unless she changes--and I mean entirely turns around--this is not a 'livable' situation for you. Eventually, you will have to leave her but the longer you wait the more weighed down you will be by it all.

Probably, she has had some bad experiences that started her on this path. But if everyone has left her, she really must ask herself if it is something about her that is causing it, rather than all the other people that are wrong. All this is understandable, including your wanting to help her. But the problem is in her attitude which is what needs to change. Probably you can't do that--this is what people mean when they say you can't change other people. As you realize, if you try to discuss it, she will debate and defend her position and this is futile.

You might be able to be a catalyst for her change like this, for example: When she says 'everyone leaves me', agree with her--and tell her that you will leave also if her negativity continues. If this just causes an argument or debate then it helps nothing. But it might wake her up, although maybe not immediately, as she thinks about it later. If necessary, be even more brutal--that the only reason you are staying is because of the lease.

But don't say things just to hurt her--only constructively to 'wake her up'. Don't try to change her personality-even the blunt, overbearing part. She needs to become aware that something about her is pushing people away. She should then research this issue to figure out what she could do about it. At that point you might be able to advise her or maybe it would be better to just get out of her way.

The very best would probably be if someone neutral, a girlfriend or co-worker, would make a remark to her such as: "I'm surprised someone would even stay with you for even 6 months with that negative attitude of yours."

You can make the most of things while you're under lease with her in hopes things might change. Most problematic is that she would talk against you to your bosses. This is terrible for you and you should be able to do something to prevent her from doing this again. But even this might be too big of a battle to undertake. Code: Q91.

The Queen, 8/12/11

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Got To Disturb.

Dear Queen,

Hi this is raj now I am fall in love with my friend sister, but I cont do tat, coz his family put a good name for I cont cheat his family and my friend. And she is also my close friend. how can I avoid the love and move as good friend?

Signed, V.

Dear V.,

What you have to do is think about her as if she were your sister. Keep this up for a while. It won't happen right away. But after awhile, then you will feel that way. Good thing you are doing the right thing from the start. Also read the replies I give to others -- where they are attracted to someone they shouldn't be. Follow all the advice that might apply to you. They might be listed under Dating, Life Challenges, or Relationships-Misc. Try to notice if this desire rises up within you anyway. Pay close attention to this and why do you think this is happening? It should pass because you become aware of what is happening. Keep reminding yourself she is just like your sister. Code: Q89.

The Queen, 8/8/11

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Long-Distance Relationship.

Dear Queen,

I'm 27 years old. I have been single for over 2 years now. Guess I got busy with work that's why I'm still single until now. I would want to have a boyfriend but got no luck. One day, I tried to chat online and met this man who is 33 years old. I find him very nice and I could say he has all the qualities I've been looking for in a guy. He said I'm his perfect match. I thought we are okay. We've been consistently chatting for a while until it came to the point where he seldom sends me messages. He said he got busy with his new position. I just want to know if I should stop this and go back to reality or is there any hope between us. Thanks.

Signed, D.

Dear D.,

It's very, very risky for you to try to meet someone on line. How do you know they are not a sexual predator, deranged, murderer, etc. While texting, people present a different image than they do in person. Really, you can't be sure about someone until you meet them in person. So I wouldn't advise this at all. Find someone locally. Don't worry about not being married. Try to make an active life for yourself and you should happen upon the right person naturally.

But to answer your question, very likely he's not interested enough in you that this would proceed to marriage. If he were, he would be pursuing you and not just letting this drift. I think you could keep just a pen pal relationship but don't get your heart set on anything else. Don't spend your money to travel to his location.

The Queen, 8/8/11

Dear Queen,

Yes. You are right. I should find someone else. I knew I was being too risky but I Took my chances because I had this special feeling for him. But I got to get moving.

Thanks for the advice! That wakes me up. :)

Regards, D.

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It's him or the cat.

Dear Queen,

About 3 weeks into dating my now boyfriend of 9 months, he let me know that if we should date long-term and eventually move in together he didn't want any pets (including my cat, Rosie). At the time we weren't serious and I was simply enjoying our time together. Now after 9 months, we're still crazy about each other and can't imagine life without one another. The problem is the more serious we get, the more worried I am about what I will have to do with Rosie. [I love this cat, after finding her abandoned as a 3-week-old kitten I bottle fed her and raised her. She sleeps in my bed and is very attached to me.] I thought possibly my parents could adopt her but they too have cats and Rosie does not play nice with others. She is spoiled and is used to being the center of attention. I don't know what to do, my boyfriend was very clear with me about this issue from the beginning so I can't blame him, but I have a bond with this cat and don't know anyone who would be able to give her a similar living condition and care. I love my boyfriend and see us only continuing to grow and love each other, but wish there was room for one more (Rosie) in our future.

Signed, A.

Dear A.,

Ok, first I'm going to give you the answer that doesn't make sense and them I'm going to give you the common sense answer.

First, probably it depends on how much he dislikes cats. If only a little dislike, it is probably because of the smell of the litter box. There's a new product on the market called CitiKitty. You train your cat to use your toilet instead of a litter box. This might solve your problem entirely. It really depends on how much he dislikes cats. The first thing you should do is discuss this with him. Perhaps you haven't brought up the issue because it implies commitment in your relationship, but I think you will have to raise the issue (of the cat).

If that doesn't solve your problem then here is my second answer: I'm sure I don't have to tell you this part so I will be brief. You should have never started this relationship. This is only one step away from the situation where he tells you from the very beginning that he doesn't want to have any children but you do want to have children. The other aspect of it is there is absolutely no point in a relationship 'for fun'. The reason you are getting involved is hoping it will lead to marriage. But in this particular case you really weren't. And that is ok, providing you know that is what you are doing. So use this to learn for the future. This is the reason we shouldn't have casual sex--so we don't "fall in love" with the wrong person.

Here's what I think: You have more of a problem than this cat. Your real problem is: Do you want to live without pets for the rest of your life? Probably, if he doesn't like cats he doesn't like dogs either or even birds (I notice you did mention that he said no pets rather than no cats). It's all right for him not to like pets, although I don't really think it's the best personality trait to have. But there are also many reasons why you might like to have pets.

It seems to me that you will resent this later in your life. Or if he lets you keep this cat, then he will resent that ever-annoying cat around the house.

So here's the bottom line: This relationship you should have never started. It can't go anywhere and you will have to give it up. But if he agrees to keep the cat and you want to stay in the relationship then you don't have to give it up because I say so. You probably can make a good marriage out of it anyway.

As for the question--should you give up the cat to marry him--only you can answer that but please take into account everything I'm telling you. If you give up the cat, maybe you can find a farm. It's not the pampered life but a great life for a cat anyway. Code: Q87.

The Queen, 8/3/11

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Should I interfere?

Dear Queen,

My brother-in-law (68) is in a relationship with a younger woman (50, waitress, married). Been saying for five years she is getting a divorce, needs money for various reasons, and will marry him as soon as her divorce is final. Her lies don't make any sense at all but he believes her. I checked with court records and she is married, but has never filed for a divorce in this county or in the entire state. I've had many reasons to suspect she is being dishonest and now I've found this out. My husband says we should stay out of it but his brother is making all kinds of financial changes and I'm afraid he is going to lose everything in addition to having a broken heart.

Signed, H.

Dear H.,

Here's the thing: if you try to interfere, it probably won't get the results you want. Basically, he is in this relationship because he gets the affection and companionship that he wants. And he's not going to want to give that up. That's the bottom line. In addition, he will probably resent it if you become critical. This is why your husband says to stay out of this issue.

If you want to do something, you could try to get him to look at the issue differently. You want him to come around to this on his own. For example you might say "I just can't believe it takes her so long to get around to filing for divorce." or "Maybe you could find out something by doing an Internet search." Don't tell him you already did a search but you might make him curious so he would ask you to show him how to do the search (if he doesn't know how).

But if I'm right, that he won't give up this relationship, then he probably already knows what you know, or at least he suspects it. It might be just subconsciously. He doesn't really want to know. Or he wants to present a reason to his friends and relatives, why it's all right what he is doing. That's the way I think it is.

Although he really shouldn't be having an affair with a married woman, the only real problem is that he might give her something in his will, or even now. Code: Q86.

The Queen, 7/25/11

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Bridesmaid Issues

Dear Queen,

I have a best friend who is getting married. I found out that at the last minute she chose another Maid of honor and me as a bridesmaid. It was hurtful I talked to her about it and she said that we had drifted and she already told this girl she could be the Maid of Honor. She said she wants us to work on becoming real close again so I decided to be in the wedding. Now the bachelorette party is coming and I told her from The beginning I was going away 2nd week of August. She has all these other people planning and left me out. At this point the bachelorette party is set for the week I am away. I am very annoyed. I don't want to sound selfish or self-absorbed. I need your advice Please!!

Signed, A.

Dear A.,

It seems to me there must be a reason she is treating you this way. Maybe you've had some other problems between you, and she is using the wedding situation to give you a hard time. I don't know what the reason is but it seems to me that it is pretty bad treatment. It's alright if she thinks someone else is closer to her to be the Maid of Honor. But to schedule you out of the bachelorette party, and she must have done that deliberately, that is pretty bad treatment.

If you think she would change the date of the party, you could try to talk to her about it. But if you get upset it will probably cause more harm than good.

If she won't change the date, assuming you can't or won't change your plans, then you will just have to skip the party. Try to make her wedding day happy and special anyway. Maybe you can mend things when it's all over. But if not, at least you won't be making things any worse.

In this situation, when she's obviously 'rejecting' you but doesn't say why, it doesn't leave you many options that I can think of. Code: Q85.

The Queen, 6/28/11

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Relationship

Dear Queen,

Ten days ago I had to end a 15-year relationship, because my x has been seeing someone else maybe for a year already. My question is, How do I contact him to have his mail forwarded to where his staying and for him to come and take some things he has left at my house? This man can be mean with his mouth. Is it better to call him, text him, or go and talk to him in person?

Signed, P

Dear P,

Sorry that you are going through such a difficult time after a nice long relationship.

I don't understand why you would want to waste any of your time and also take the risk of another bad experience with him. So if you must contact him then text him--to save yourself another bad experience.

But here's the thing. It's his responsibility to change his address and if he hasn't done that we can assume he doesn't care about the mail. Probably, though, he knows you will chase after him to get that mail to him and that is what he really wants.

So I don't think you have to do anything about the mail. You can ask the Post Office what you should do when your x has moved out, you don't know where he is, and you don't want his mail, and they will probably give you a form to file and then it is their problem.

As for the things he has left at your house, if he cared about them he would have already taken them. You should sell them or give them to charity. The only thing is, there might be a law that says you must notify him before you do that. You might have to publish a notice in the newspaper that you are no longer responsible, etc. You should be able to find out about this online, even ask in CL Legal Forum, or else consult an attorney.

You could be extra nice and at the same time avoid possible legal problems, by texting him once and telling him he should come get his things and give him a deadline. Code: Q83.

The Queen, 5/26/11

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Won't answer email deliberately after sending a gift.

Dear Queen,

Thank you in advance for any help here. My nephew, whom I am not close with, had a first baby just before Christmas. I could not afford anything for the baby at that time.

In February, when things changed for me, I purchased a nice gift on eBay for the baby. I sent him a card congratulating him and asked him to be on the lookout for a package from Florida, as I had purchased a gift for the baby, and thought it silly to pay postage to ship it here, and then pay more postage to ship it again to him. I explained this. I heard nothing from him. Two months passed, and it was time to leave feedback on eBay, so I sent him a nice email asking if he received the gift for the baby intact from Florida. No answer, but, at the same time I sent him a belated birthday eCard at the same time, and I know he picked that up, so he definitely got the other email. Two weeks go by and nothing from him, so I just guessed he got the gift and I left feedback on eBay before the time limit ended, to avoid complications there.

All this time my feelings are very hurt for not even an acknowledgement. Now, just the other day, I emailed again, I will add a copy following:

Hello, "Don", hope you and family are doing well. I don't mean to bother you, but I just want to know if you received my package for "Sue". My timing is not that great, but I could not afford anything for a gift until a while ago, and wanted Sue to have something from me. I take it you want nothing to do with me, you don't have to like the gift, I just have to know if you received it. Could you at least let me know one way or another whether you received the package? Just a yes or no is fine. Thanks. Take care. (end of email).

That was 3 days ago now, and I become more hurt by the day, and am tempted to email and tell him where to go. The only reason I can think of is that my sister (his mom) and I have had a rocky relationship over the years, but that had nothing to do with him. I have a criminal record, and suspect that might be part of it. I have no family of my own, have had only abusive relationships, and the hurt from this is unbelievable. To the point of tears. What do I do now? What did I do wrong? Like I said, it is all I can do to send him a nasty email and be done with it. I have been waiting months now for an acknowledgement. I don't want to go running to my sister.

Please help, Queen of Sheba!!! Thank you again.

Signed, Dolly

Dear Dolly,

It's very difficult for me to be sure about why this is happening for you. Although this is hard to do, try to get to where it doesn't matter to you how they treat you. Because you can't control how they treat you--for example they could take offense about a small detail, and so on.

Anyway, here is what I suspect. I think they are lazy, and/or rude. It probably doesn't have anything to do with you at all. They probably treat everyone like this. And the reason I say this, a lot of people don't reply to my emails nor return my phone calls. Some of them have no reason except if I track them down, they make an excuse they were too busy. It's appalling but it seems to be the way people do it now-a-days.

There is a possibility, though, that they are holding something against you, as you suspect. But usually, if they did have something against you, they would use this as a chance to start an argument, complain, point out your faults, and so on. Usually, people don't completely ignore someone. The exception would be if you were such a pest that every time they had contact with you it was a negative experience so that makes them want to stop all contact.

But I think you should try to find out what the real reason is. If you can, phone your nephew. If they answer the phone, pleasantly ask them if they ever got that gift in the mail. Don't worry about offending them by bothering them. Just be pleasant no matter what. If you can't call them, maybe you can call your sister. If you can contact them, they are likely to say what the problem is. Maybe they would just say they got the gift and nothing else but I doubt it. Somehow, you have to find out what their excuse is for treating you this way.

I suppose, your criminal record might cause him not to want you around, for example being a bad influence for his children.

Don't say things to them such as: "I take it you want nothing to do with me." This puts them on the defensive. Pretend everything is alright. Stay completely focused that you must find out if they received that gift or not. Stay pleasant and positive and then if they take offense, it is their own fault. But if you are negative or if you sound like a victim, they will blame you further. Even though you already took care of eBay, tell them anyway that eBay must confirm the gift was received. Plan it out ahead what you will say. Try to guess what they might say and how you will respond.

Don't send any nasty emails or say anything nasty. Don't take offense, is what you need to do. If they want to be rotten, don't let yourself become upset about it. Don't do or say anything that they can use against you.

If you have much difficulty feeling bad about this, please let me know, maybe I would know of something that would help you get past it.

The Queen, 4/15/11

Dear Queen,

Thank you, Queen of Sheba, you have saved the day! Your advice to get to the place where it doesn't matter how they treat me is fantastic! You are right, it does not matter and I cannot control it. I did what I wanted to do, and what I thought was right, and if somebody doesn't like it, too bad. I will let it rest and see if I can find some information from my sister. I feel so much better, thank you for explaining everything in detail and offering all the best possible explanations and options. You are very thorough, and offered insight I had not considered. Again, I thank you, I have a new attitude and can live with what anybody throws at me!! You rock! Shalom.

Yours Sincerely, Dolly

Dear Dolly,

Glad I was able to help you so much. Thanks for letting me know. The thing is, sometimes it is not so easy to forget about this type of bad treatment so that it doesn't bother us. You are correct that you have done the right thing and shouldn't let it bother you--just continue to do your part.

The Queen, 4/18/11

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Ex-wife's Friend and Our Son.

Dear Queen,

My ex-wife and I have joint custody of our 9-year-old son. She has a live in boyfriend who has been out of work for over 2 years. He has no money, no friends, and no car. Their relationship is poor at best. She has asked him to look for a new place to live. He has been in my son's life for the last two years but recently not being a good guardian. The last straw for me was he showed my son an inappropriate video on the computer. I told my ex-wife I wanted my son to stay with me until he is moved out. What would a man who has nothing except everything of my ex wife's going to do when he is backed into a corner and told to move? Is my son safe in their house?

Signed, P.N.

Dear P.N.,

There's no way to be certain what your ex-wife's boyfriend would do to your son or even to your ex-wife. But it is very likely, as you suggest, that when she puts the pressure on, he could possibly hit someone or even worse. It could also happen that he just won't move out, and even if he does, he could dawdle about it and it could be six months before he actually leaves. Then there's nothing to say he wouldn't still be there even if he doesn't live there.

Here's what I think: Better to be safe than sorry. I'm guessing that the inappropriate video is porn. And that alone is a bad enough thing. You probably already know that men and boys that get exposed to porn, may battle that temptation for a lifetime. It doesn't take much for those images to stick in his head. And if that video was child-porn, then your son is at great risk -- that the boyfriend would try to engage your son sexually. This is too much of a risk to take.

For these reasons I think you absolutely should get your son out of that house while that man is there at all, whether he lives there or not. The only problem is how to go about it. I think you should be very firm and insist that your son stays with you, starting today. Until the boyfriend is out of their lives. Your ex-wife might not let you do this and if you can't get your son out of that house then I think you should go to Child-Protective Services. The only thing, that isn't a good solution, because you will set up an adversarial relationship between you and your ex-wife and secondly, Social Services might go about it very slow. The thing is, in a week or two before something is done it might be too late. You will have to be firm about this to protect your son, not knowing ahead what might happen but if the worst happens then it's too late.

If you end up in court about this matter, I'm sure the court will side with you and against the boyfriend, but also against your ex-wife because she is not protecting your son. Code: Q73.

The Queen, 1/14/11

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My friend steals from me.

Dear Queen,

I have a friend that every time she comes to visit she takes something of mine. If I confront her she always states about another person who was also here. What can I do?

Signed, K.

Dear K.,

The best thing you could do is try to catch her in the act. If you could actually tape her doing it, but that might be too hard. Maybe if you could leave something out so she takes it then later she wears it or you see it in her room.

That's probably too hard to do so the next best thing would be if you could have her and someone else there at the same time. Then have something out and she takes it but you notice it. So on the spot you say 'where is my necklace?' Your other friend would have to know all about it.

I might not be describing the details just right, but you get the idea.

All this might be too difficult. You probably have to drop her as a friend.

The thing that is very troubling is why is she stealing from you. She might become a compulsive shoplifter which would give her much trouble in her life. It's probably not something you can do anything about. A school or church counselor might be able to help you. Code: Q67.

The Queen, 12/8/10

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2 Weddings.

Dear Queen,

My daughter is getting married on Saturday April 16. All of our family is coming down from Iowa to Texas for the wedding. My fiance and I were thinking about getting married on Sunday the 17th. Short simple ceremony for us, mainly dated due to everyone being here already.

My daughter and future son in law are very happy about it and all for it as it is simple and does not interfere with their wedding at all. His parents however, are saying that I am being selfish and need to change the date even if it means none of my family can come down for it as financially it would be hard to come down twice in a span of a few months.

I was hurt, as I had no idea and have never been called selfish. Our wedding is just a simple get married and then eat cake wedding, not much planning or ceremony. I did ask both my daughter and her future husband and both were excited about it. I am not sure what I did wrong. I have cancelled that date for our wedding, but now feel that there is a rift between his parents and us as my fiance is more offended than I am. I am not sure what I want an answer to, just if you were in my shoes type thing. Thank you!

Signed, L.R.

Dear L.R.,

What I really think is you should not have changed your wedding date and even, if possible, you should fix the date back to April 17th. Here's why:

First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having your wedding that day; it is even a clever idea.

Second, your daughter and her husband-to-be are happy with it. It is their wedding that everyone cares about, right? (yours is minor).

Third, I do not understand why it should even be a concern for the groom's parents. I know it is because they fell upstaged. Perhaps if they are paying for part of it, it would be understandable, but still not justified. You are not being selfish at all. In fact, they are being controlling and controlling people often accuse others of things like selfishness, immaturity, insensitivity, and such, as a way to get others to comply. And by complying, you are actually agreeing that they are right, that you are selfish and should not use that date.

Even more important than this wedding date issue, this has now set a precedent for your future relationship with the groom's parents but also, with your daughter and her husband and even the grandkids. I expect they will try to control dates and times of all holidays, vacations, get-togethers, etc. And for whatever the reason, if you can't or don't want to comply, you will be the one at fault. And as a result, if you are absent, that won't be a problem for them either.

That is the main reason I think you should reset that date. You must establish from the start that they do not control your life. They can express an opinion, but in this case, they have been overruled, by the bride and groom and by you and your husband-to-be. And the one that must stand-up to them is their son. He will have to establish that he and your daughter won't be controlled by them. Probably, this will be difficult for him to do and if he doesn't do it now, he will have to do it later, or it will be a chronic problem for their married life. There certainly will be a rift between you all but it won't be your fault.

I think this is the real reason your husband-to-be is unhappy about it all. Maybe not consciously, but he recognizes that there is no reason you should not have your wedding on that date and it is a clever date to pick and why should you have a problem now because of your future in-laws?

Although dealing with the controlling in-laws is a problem, the attitude you all should take is keep your merry outlook, calmly speak what you are going to do and what you are not going to do, do not argue, and do not hold grudges. Also, do not be stubborn and object for the sake of not giving them control. When appropriate, let them have their way. Probably, you should invite the groom's parents and close relatives, i.e. siblings, to your wedding. Maybe your daughter can give the groom's mother some prep-work to do for her wedding, such as pick and order the flowers or invitations or table settings. Something that your daughter doesn't care very much about and it will make the groom's mother feel both included and needed. It would also allow you to say something like "We couldn't bear to have our relatives go back home without seeing us get married, and I think my daughter wants your help with the invitations." Code: Q62.

The Queen, 10/12/10

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She's Not Talking To Me!

Dear Queen,

I have 2 cousins. They go to the same school and are not talking to me at all !! They are avoiding me, but at home its like they don't know they are doing this! What should I do? Please help!

Signed, P.H.

Dear P.H.,

You don't say how old you are and you don't say why you think your cousins are treating you this way. I'm going to take a guess at it but if I am wrong then you can tell me more information. I'm assuming you are all girls, but it really wouldn't make a difference.

Because they treat you different at school than at home, I think it is because they care about what other people think. Oftentimes, kids go through a time when they are overly concerned about fitting in with their peers. And to fit in they have to conform exactly, even to the point of not being friends with certain people. But it's not anything about your personality. It might me something like the clothes you wear are not the right style. Or your hairstyle is wrong or you are too fat or too skinny or too young or too old. Most of these things you can't change or you don't want to change.

The thing is, there's probably nothing you can do about it until they outgrow it, which might be next year. What it amounts to is they care more about what their friends think than they care about you. But it's not that they dislike you.

The one thing you might do is try to ask them why they ignore you at school. Try not to be too upset about it. You might think of something to say, like "Did my clothes not match--or was my hair a mess, because you didn't talk to me at school last week?" If you can find out why they are doing this you might be able to do something about it. Code: Q62.

The Queen, 10/4/10

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Problem With Son

Dear Queen,

My son is 29 years of age. Two years ago his marriage broke down and he came back to live at home. Since then I have lent him 1000 pounds, and cleared his debts. He has an on-off relationship with a lady 13 years older than him. Now he is getting into debt again. He pays no rent. Recently he came into some money, says that he will pay me back, then goes back to his girlfriend again, paying none of his recently acquired debts or giving me any money.

My husband is fed up of him, and says that I should tell him to find a place of his own, part of me feels the same however I do not want to lose my son, and I am waiting until he returns and then I will ask him outright for my money. Do you think I am taking the correct decision or should I tell him to find somewhere else to live, or just go to his girlfriend and live there? I am now at the end of my tether and feel that I could really blow up at him Help.

Signed, V.

Dear V.,

You didn't mention if your son has a regular job but if not, he needs to get one. But with the bad economy now, that might not be enough money to pay the bills. However, his money problem shouldn't be your problem.

You say that he "came by some money". This causes me to wonder where that money came from. But wherever it came from, if he owes you money he should pay you first, not later. This is very disrespectful and exploitative of him to treat you this way.

I'm guessing that also he doesn't do ANYTHING around the house, either. Or if he does something it is very minimal. For example, mow the lawn, wash dishes, home maintenance or cleaning. In case he couldn't afford to pay you, at least he should be doing his fair share of the work.

I think you are doing approximately the right thing. If you don't confront him and allow this to continue, he will keep on taking advantage of you. He might not have intended to do that but without great diligence on his part, or firm demands on your part, he will just relax into an easy routine.

Best would be for both you and your husband to sit down and have a talk with him and tell him he will immediately (by the end of the month) have to pay you everything he owes you. Also he has to begin paying you rent, as well as other expenses (utilities and food). Also he will have to do some of the work (let him pick what he wants to do). Don't get upset when you talk to him. You should have required him to pay rent and do work when he first moved home. If he doesn't want to do what you ask, he will probably move out, but if he doesn't then you will have to tell him to leave. Don't tell him where he should live--let him figure that out for himself.

Yes, you are taking the risk of losing him. But right now you are paying for him to stay with you. The relationship you have isn't very good, really, unless you can get him to treat you better.

This relationship with the older woman is not ideal but, really, you probably can't do anything about that. Code: Q61.

The Queen, 10/4/10

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Realize Of Love

Dear Queen,

I am 24 years old male recently my girlfriend got married and I was in love with her for four years she has asked me many times talk to her parents for our marriage but I take it lightly I was thinking I hadn't love with her she had also told me her parents are looking for marriage so to talk her parents she had also call me on marriage day after that day I realize I made a big mistake now I realize I am in love with her I also got depressed now I want talk to her that I can't live without her I m ready to accept her besides her marriage. I also believe if I call her she will be ready. Please tell me what I do talk to her or not.

Signed, F.

Dear F.,

Absolutely the worst thing you could do is get involved with a married woman. If she ever gets divorced or widowed, that is the only chance you will have of being with her. Therefore, you must forget her and find someone new. Code: Q60.

The Queen, 10/4/10

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Someone Is Saying Bad Things About Me.

Dear Queen,

What do you do when someone is talking bad things about you to the same friends that you both have and try to get them not to hang out with you or talk to you?

Signed, J.

Dear J.,

Sorry to have to tell you this but the only thing you can do is get some new friends. That is, unless the group would reject the one doing the talking. The group will have to pick between you and the other person and if they don't pick you then find some new friends.

The Queen, 5/21/10

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Which Path Should I Follow?

Dear Queen,

I have been separated from my partner of 14 years for over a year now. We have three children together and she has 2 teenagers from a previous relationship. They have recently moved to another town and I really miss my kids very much as they are under 11 years of age. The mother keeps giving me mixed messages about getting back together as it would solve a huge financial problem and especially an emotional problem for everyone involved.

I am presently boarding at my elderly mother's house. My mother and my ex-partner do not get on at all. I feel like I have to make a choice where someone will be hurt.

My mother hangs onto a property that is way beyond her financial means and wants me to help with the big maintenance which is needed on the house, but I do not want to commit my time and money on a property where my kids do not even live in. I just want to move closer to my kids even though my partner and I might not get back together again. My heart says to follow my kids but it will hurt my mother.

So what do you think as an outside perspective might give me clarity of action please?

Signed, I.

Dear I.,

Here's my opinion: You can't leave your mother while she's in a needy state. By needy I mean she needs help with her house. You need to find a solution that will work for everyone involved. She was kind enough to let you come stay with her when you needed a place, even if you are paying her. Home maintenance is a lot of work and most homeowners don't want to do it all. Putting work and money into where you live is necessary, whether or not your children are with you. If you owned the home and they were living with you, then you wouldn't have time -- it's always going to be difficult.

Here's what I think you should do: Plan to move out one year from now (approximately-you decide how long). In the meanwhile, help your mother with her house, which is the reason you're staying there. You might have to solve her problem for her. If she 'should' move to an apartment, condo, or cheaper house, then help her do that before you move out. Tell her about your plans to leave but that you first want to help her with her house. Explain to her that after you move you probably won't be able to do very much home maintenance after that and you'll only have limited money you can give her. Suggest it would be best if she moved where she could take care of things herself. Suggest how nice it would be -- no more lawn mowing, snow shoveling, worrying if the hot-water heater is going to be the next appliance to fail, etc.

Now, I understand that she might refuse to move from that house, probably because she has been there for such a long time, her memories are there and it is her security. Also consider, if she doesn't want to move and you force it, she probably won't live very long, because her identity is in that house, unless she has something else to live for.

Another thing to consider, now might be a bad time to sell a house.

So if she agrees to move, you help her get the house ready to sell, put it up for sale, find a new place for her to live, and help her move. Or after the house is up for sale, you might be able to move out and come back later to help her move.

And if she refuses to move, then tell her you will stay for about a year, to get her caught up with the maintenance, but then you really need to be closer to your children, and she will have to manage on her own.

Meanwhile, go visit your children about once a month -- I assume they don't live too far. Also visit by phone and email. Also, I think your children should visit you regularly at your mother's house. Without your partner, to keep peace with your mother and since you are separated.

Here's some incentive for you to do all this: You are teaching your children, by example, the way they should treat you when you become elderly and also the way they should treat their own children if separation becomes their reality. Code: Q40.

The Queen, 1/18/10

Dear Queen,

Thank you very much for your suggestions as they are very sound. Plus it gives me a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to weigh everything and consider all the angels, that is the hard bit but I suppose it has to be done.

Yours Sincerely, I.

Dear I.,

I think if you get started doing something (do what I advised) it will move you from feeling stuck and a solution will be found so you can help your mother and get freed from that burden.

The Queen, 1/22/10

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I Need Advice?

Dear Queen,

My 3 best friends and me are super close, like related close. One of them is a very outgoing crazy girl, but I'm worried about her because she has an addictive personality. She had an alcohol problem before but now it's resolved. I noticed she loves the feeling of a high and when she starts something it's hard to quit. Recently I figured out she smoked weed and she was too scared to tell us because we get mad and she's scared. We are totally different and never touched a drug. I feel like I'm done mothering her around -- it's her life, her choices, and the most I can do is advise, but I'm scared for her! It's hard for me to remember that I can't make her choices for her. If you where in my situation what would you do? And by the way I'm a teenager.

Signed, P.

Dear P.,

I would like to mention that you have a surprisingly good understanding of this issue and a very mature attitude for such a young person.

You are right, that you can't change someone else and you probably don't want to continue 'mothering' your friend. However, when you care about someone, it's also a good thing to try to do something to help him or her if that's possible. Now, it might not be possible, if she won't do anything, which means she doesn't want to change, she likes what she's doing. But maybe, when presented the right way, she might decide to do something about it.

The thing is, this issue of addictions is a hard one to solve. I know of two ways it can be solved and neither is very well known. So it might seem, at first glance, that they wouldn't work. But I think they would if she would give it a try. The first one, which I will explain, is what she should try to do first. In the event she does this and it doesn't work, the second is a procedure I would have to teach her over the phone, by walking her through it, step by step. It might take more than one time, maybe a number of times. And it's almost guaranteed to 'cure' addictions. But I couldn't do this unless I have her parent's permission. This means I would have to talk to her parents first. There's no risk in doing the procedure, but ethically and legally I couldn't give a teenager any treatment without parental permission. Also, I would have to phone them because I don't give out my phone number and it would have to be included in my long-distance which is U.S. and a few other countries. She would have to be pretty highly motivated to want to change or she won't try something this involved. So if she wants this, she will have to write me her own question.

So here's the procedure that she can do right away. This is harder to explain than it is to do. Before you start doing something addictive, or something you shouldn't do, something rises up within you to give you the desire or the idea to do it. You should watch for this desire or idea to come to you. When you notice it, first take three deep breaths. Then for a few minutes, pay careful attention to this desire or idea. Try to figure out what that is that's bringing this up. Notice what it feels like. Don't necessary fight the desire but become aware of it. Notice something is trying to talk you into doing it. Then take three more deep breaths. By becoming aware of it, it will disappear. Maybe not the first time but after several times. One day you will notice you haven't thought about that for a long time. What's causing it is what most of us call our subconscious mind. But you don't really have to understand it, just become aware of it.

In case she won't do anything to change, and what I'm advising is the only two solutions I know about, then I think you will eventually end your relationship with her. Not only you but the other two in your group as well. I've seen similar to this before, when someone makes bad decisions, won't change bad habits, lets their friends down, etc. And it might go on for years but eventually the other person breaks off the relationship because it's too discouraging to be around the negative results of the problem person's behavior. So you don't necessarily have to break it off now, but you probably will eventually, and you might want to do it sooner rather than later. Code: Q37.

The Queen, 1/14/10

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I Fell For Another Girl.

Dear Queen,

Okay so I'm a freshman this year and I have never ever thought about going out with anything but guys, but I met this girl C. during summer band camp, and after like 2 months, we fell really hard for each other. We found similarities in the smallest of things to the fact that our churches are back to back to each other. Part of our relationship was based off of our growing faith in God, and we thought that we could help and watch each other grow, but another part was both of us knowing that there was no way that this could ever get out, that it would ruin both us and probably tear us apart. This is because, you see, at our high school, there are a great multitude of girls dating each other, but they are looked on as dirt and get so much crap from the whole school. And that when seniors and freshmen date, people think that's really odd. So on October 23, 2009 I went out of the house at around 11:30 to meet her at the mailbox just down the street after one of the football games. But I didn't take my phone with me and while I was out my sister came in my room to find me gone and told my mom who totally freaked out and started driving around trying to find me. I came home to meet hell at my front doorstep. She went ballistic on me, and the fact that me and C. were going out just kind of came out in all the chaos and she banned me from seeing her ever again, too my phone, computer, and social life. I cried for ten days straight. At school was torture except knowing the fact that I would be able to see her. I still talked to her everyday and eventually she found out. Then she would tail me at school to make sure I wasn't talking to her. After that died off we started talking again. The next like seven weeks were nonstop anger in my house and life. I wouldn't talk to my mom, all we would do is yell and she would call me spiteful names and hit me and every night I would ask God just to kiss C. goodnight and kill me in my sleep. That there was no way living through this could be worth it. We've all calmed down a slight bit since then, but the repercussions have been extraneous. Last year I was voted Ms. Congeniality of my school and now I barley talk out of focused conversation. I'm never hungry so I eat the bare minimum that my friends insist. My family can't get along for more than an hour, and me and my mom talk but once a day. When we returned to classes from the Winter break on the 4th (that was our 3 month) C. just seemed to be acting different. Oh yeah, after about 1 1/2 months of us being together, my friend L. came over to work on science with me and she told me she was going out with this chick Amanda and I told her I was going out with C., knowing my secret was safe with her. Then I told C. that I told her and she was a little unhappy but not to a great extent. But so over the break L. and her girlfriend broke up and C. and L. started talking a lot more. And now that we have come back from break, I have gotten one kiss when usually I get at least one a day, and she has only told me I Love You twice, once on our anniversary and once on Wednesday, but every time she gives me a hug, like when she's leaving, she usually says I love you. Every time I see her she is either with L. or running off to go meet her. And on Tuesday she snuck off campus at lunch with her. And after school they always walk out late together and when L. sees me, her face gets real frantic and she's just like "Hi H.", real quick and like scurries away. Oh and you know how I told you we based part of our relationship on God and like church and stuff? Well yesterday she showed me a picture and told me she wants to get her lip pierced and when I was less than enthusiastic about it, she knows I don't like facial piercing, she got all defensive. That same day she told me that she was dipping, like dipping tobacco. I got really mad but wouldn't show her and the second she turned the corner I just started crying. I don't know what she has become, I barely recognize her anymore, but I still can't help but want to be around her all the time. Oh and she really wants to be a doctor when she grows up, but she's skipping class like crazy. And when I tell her she shouldn't her response is "But I don't want to go." Queen, after June 16, graduation day, I don't have any time with her. She's going to ACU, which is like 7 hours away. She always used to reminisce on that and now she keeps skipping and I don't know, I just feel like I don't know her. But the one time she kissed me this week, it felt just like it did before. It took me back to before all this happened, and I can't stand to be away from her for more than 45 minutes. I really don't know what to do. I want to confront her about L. and ask her if anything is going on but when she talks about other people asking her she seems to get all mad. I don't want her mad at me. And I don't want to threaten her with I'm going to break up with you if you don't stop all this using, drinking, kipping, and sneaking around, but I partly feel it's the only way to get through to her. But if she just wants to be with L., then me saying that isn't going to have any effect on her, only me losing her. And as all this is unraveling, I'm almost certain L. knows about all of what she is doing, with how much they talk and all, and she's doing nothing to stop it. I'm desperate. I'm so lost. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I have no one to tell this to. Thank you for your time.

Signed, H.

Dear H.,

This is what your problem is: You are making your decisions based only on your emotions and not on your intellect (mind). You need to consider your emotions, yes, but your mind must always decide if something you want is good for you or not. Your emotions alone won't tell you that.

The reason you are involved with C. is you are reacting only with your emotions. You need to learn a better way to do it. This would also be for other things besides relationships. But the first thing you need to 'fix' is this relationship with C.

You don't want to be romantically involved with any females, only males. This will be a problem in your future if you don't solve it now. And you will have many other problems if you continue to use only your emotions. This is why your mother is very upset and I'm sure she is very worried about you because of this.

Here's the way for you to do it: Talk to someone, a leader, in your church. If there is a Youth Group at your church, the leader of that group is the right one. If not, then your Sunday School teacher would be good. If you don't attend Sunday School, you should, but in the meanwhile, pick a teacher that teaches teens about your age. If neither of these, then go to the head Pastor/Priest. He will direct you to the right person. Your church might even have counselors that help people with all kinds of problems. Your church leaders will be able to help you sort this all out and figure out what to do. In case the first one isn't very helpful, keep looking for someone else. You might show them this Q&A (get a printout) so they understand the situation quickly, without you having to start out telling them all the details.

Once you get the issue with C. straightened out, your home life will improve a lot. There may be other problems in the home but you won't be part of it, or you will have new skills to help you decide what to do. You will be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Code: Q36.

The Queen, 1/11/10

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Desperate For A Change.

Dear Queen,

I am married to a man who is divorced with 3 grown children. The ex wife is mean to her middle daughter, who I am close to. They had another argument a few months ago and are not speaking. I have been planning Christmas for everyone for next week and all of sudden out of the blue both of my husband's other girls emailed to say they were not coming because of what the other sisters children wrote about them on face book, which was ugly. I don't think that is a valid reason for them not to come over. They can just ignore their 21-year-old nieces for the sake of their daddy and Christmas. But, I believe it is the mother behind it all. I have my reasons, and believe she has talked them into not coming over so their dad will not have a good Christmas. Any advice?

Signed, Miss Desperate

Dear Miss Desperate,

I believe that the ex wife is causing problems. You might not be able to change that. However, you don't have to give her ammunition, which is what you (your family) are doing when you fight between yourselves. She can use these things to encourage some to take offense against the others.

Now here's the thing. I don't think the ex wife is the cause of this problem. The 21-year-old granddaughters are. If the granddaughters were, say, 10 years old, then I would agree with you. But any age from about 15 on into adulthood, is old enough to be accountable for their own actions. Accountable because they know right from wrong and also know there will be bad consequences. If confronted, they will probably make excuses that they didn't know they would find out or whatever, and this is ridiculous.

Consider this: How bad does it have to get before someone is justified to stay away from the family or a family member? I hope that you are not using real names on Face Book or other websites. If you did that, an internet search would show these postings, for example, when someone applies for a job. And most of these postings never go away, or at least not for years. They are archived by other websites. So how bad do things have to get before someone shouldn't have to put up with it anymore?

Consider this also: What is the right thing for the two sisters to do? Should they bring it up during Christmas? -- And then they can be the ones causing the problem and ruining your Christmas! What should they do about it?

Here's what I think -- The rest of you agree with what the 21-year-old granddaughters said. You might not consciously be aware of it, but you really are in agreement. And I think this is just one incident of long-term problems, of fighting and offense taking within the entire family. Which is a type of dysfunction that is very common.

The only way to solve this incident, if it can be solved in time for Christmas, is the 21-year-old granddaughters must apologize. That alone would be easy. But the thing is, I don't think the apology will be real, it won't mean anything, it won't change anything, and the offended sisters know this. An apology without a change of mind and a change of heart is useless.

Love solves everything. And your family, everyone in your family, must start to feel and show love to everyone else in the family. Start by changing your mind that from now on, you will not take offense, no matter what someone does. No one is perfect and when they do something wrong, view it as a mistake and refuse to be offended. You and your husband, being the head of the family, should be the example. First you learn to do it yourself, then you teach the others how to do it. You be the reconciler.

Have compassion for the ex wife. Evidently she's not handling her life issues very well if she is mean to one of her daughters, trying to keep them from Christmas with their father, etc. Try to understand how difficult things must be for her. Code: Q33.

The Queen, 12/19/09

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"Best" Friend question

Dear Queen,

I have known this girl for about 5 years, and she considers me her best friend (not necessarily mutual). Although, we are very close, I have been noticing some things I do not like about her for the past 5 years and more recently they've become more annoying.

She is very bossy. She always was. I'm 26 and she's 25 it's been happening since right when we were 21 and 22. She is not very polite about things like when she talks she interrupts ALL THE TIME. She also seems to act like just because she goes to the gym now she is the prettiest girl in the world--she's always acted like this before, but it's even more now. She seems angry when we go to this bar and I always get in free. She said to me on the phone the other day "It's because you dress sexy." I dress kind of like Audrey Hepburn when I go out, so that was an excuse! She then told me the same door guy said to her when I wasn't out with her one time, "Oh! I should have let you in. You're lookin good!" I didn't see the point of that, since I don't brag that I always get in free, even dressed in a classy way, I just do.

It seems that she needs to make some excuse for me getting in like she said one time "Oh because he's a white guy." Because I am white and he is and she's Hispanic. I guess I am giving this example, because it seems like she always has to be on top when it comes to her friends, and when she isn't she will make excuses for why someone else gets male attention and she doesn't, when she usually does all the time.

She even does this with little things. For instance, out in public she always nags me to go to the bathroom with her--which I have always despised--going to bathroom in groups. She will then cut in front of me if I am in front, even if I have a good lead on her to where we are going. It's like she always has to be "on top" figuratively and literally. I don't know what to do, but it is getting on my nerves so much I think I will blow up soon at her. Code: Q28.

Signed, Irritated

Dear Irritated,

It seems like the underlying problem is that your friend is jealous of you. She might not be aware of it consciously and it is probably because she has low self- esteem. My biggest concern about her is that she is not nurturing of this friendship, which she should be if she considers you to be her best friend. She might have considerable trouble when she has children and she doesn't know how to be nurturing to them.

Also consider that some of the things she says have a grain of truth. A lot of white men won't like her because she is Hispanic. That's a fact she has to live with. But there are some white men that like Hispanics even more. And the men probably are letting you in free because you are attractive to them. That's the basis they use because they don't even know your personality or anything else about you. And it's a good thing that she feels good about herself and her appearance because she's getting in shape at the gym. She's excited about it and maybe she's more hung up on it than she should be but this is pretty minor.

You will have to decide if you want to continue the friendship anyway and I think you should. You won't be able to change her directly but you might be able to do it in a roundabout way.

You could try to do this: Offer the next time you go to the bar that you will help her dress different, new hairstyle, or whatever, so she is more attractive. Make kind of a game out of it. Exchange clothes with her for the evening would be best, so she can realize that it's not the clothes. If that isn't possible, go shopping with her and help her pick out the best thing to wear. If this doesn't work, suggest that she pick out what you should wear. Help her to get confidence that she looks good enough. Another thing you could do, if one of you gets in free, the other splits the admission, so for example if you get in free and admission is $10 then you pay $5 and she pays $5. Make a game out of competing with the men to see if you both can get in free instead of competing with each other. I think your view of her might have to be more as if she is your younger sister -- help her to get where you are.

About her being bossy, I don't know what the reason is unless it is the same problem and if you can solve the jealousy problem this would go away. It will be hard for you to keep the friendship if she continues this. The only thing I can think that you might do is say "My boss at work has been telling me what to do all day long and I don't want anyone else telling me what to do." or "I finally got my parents to stop telling me what to do and I don't want anyone else to." Maybe it is kind of a bad habit and when she becomes aware of it she will change.

The Queen, 10/29/09

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Hurt Family Relations

Dear Queen,

I am the last child of a family of four. I have two sisters and myself. I have always felt like the outsider in this sisterhood. It really is obvious to anyone. For example my middle sister, Judy, buys a birthday gift for my oldest sister. Until the last two years she never brought me a gift at all. But the last two years she has almost made it a point to buy me such cheap gifts compared to my sister. Like this past year she brought my sister a designed purse that cost almost a hundred dollars. She brought me a 10-dollar purse. It is not just gifts, it is everything that she does. My oldest sister pretty much ignores me for the biggest part and when I am around them on holidays, etc., I feel like I have a disease. I have always tried to show affection, by being a friend to them both, and on birthdays I spend close to the same on them both. The other thing is that the sister who brought me the 'cheap' purse gave away the 100-dollar bottle of perfume she said she liked, that I got her for her birthday. I am hurt and I need help. How do I change this? And if it can't be changed how do I learn to live with it and not let it hurt me when it happens? Code: Q26.

Signed, Outsider

Dear Outsider,

Because you are friendly, affectionate, and fair to both your sisters, I think they are the ones with the problem. This is usually because of past family dysfunctions and sometimes this type of sibling rivalry continues into adulthood. I don't think there is anything you can do to change them. They want to be that way for whatever reason -- they want to make you into the problem or make a problem for you.

What you should do is continue to be friendly towards them which will help you in case they might change in the future. Don't pay any attention to the things they do or say such as cheaper gifts and ignoring you. Just pretend it doesn't matter to you. Then they won't get much satisfaction from doing those things. For example, if you only had one sister and she bought you a cheaper present than you bought her you probably wouldn't take any offence.

But here's the thing. As you mentioned, you have to learn to deal with it so it doesn't hurt you. If you continue to let this bother you it will affect your whole life and could even give you a physical illness. Realizing this is a 'fault' of theirs and really not anything about you, should help you.

I think I can help you get past the emotions using my special technique over the telephone. If you are interested, let me know and I will give you more information. Also tell me where you live (what country) and what is a good time we could talk for about 30 minutes to an hour (I would call you). It is harmless if it doesn't work and it's easy to do but it's not so easy to learn it. I would guide you through it by phone. It will take some time, but if it works, you wouldn't be bothered by the emotions any more.

The Queen, 10/12/09

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My Mother and Father.

Dear Queen,

My so-called mother and father don't love me and don't care about me. They behave with me like stepdaughter. I can't take more. Please help me. They had tried to kill me. I want to go from here, want to live far from them. Please help me.

My family member touched me. They don't love me. So cruelly they behave. I want to go from here, want to become a self-dependant girl but my mom abuses me. She has doubt that I had lots of boyfriends and am a characterless girl. She knows heartily that I'm not that type of girl.

A boy tried to make me crazy about him and he tried to judge me by his friend, and he got some doubt of me. But when I cleared and proposed him he indirectly accepted and said he loves me too. But now he has doubt on me. He told me that he didn't tell me that he loves me. I was worried and my family members are not good to me. That's why I get emotionally attached with him. I just seen him after six year. What was that? Was he flirting with me?

Signed, I-want-to-leave

Dear I-want-to-leave,

My answer to your question is exactly the same as my answer to A.S., What To Do About Abusive Mom, under Relationships-Misc. Please follow those directions for yourself. Code: Q19.

The Queen, 8/28/09

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What To Do About Abusive Mom.

Dear Queen,

My girlfriend doesn't want to stay with her mom anymore. This is not because of me; I'm even forcing her to live with her mom. But her mom always speaks to her with abuse words and rubbish, which is totally decreasing her confidence. She often says to me "Come and take me away from here." What should I do. We both are in middle of study.

Signed, A.S.

Dear A.S.,

It's not the right thing for you to do to take your girlfriend away from her mom. What she should do is get help from her church. You can go along with her. She should ask her Pastor or Teacher for a meeting so she can tell them what is happening. They will know what to do.

If that isn't possible, then she should go to an abuse shelter or homeless shelter. She can probably stay there until the issues with her mother are resolved. They will know what to do. They might be able to get some help for her mother so she can learn not to speak abusive. Code: Q18.

The Queen, 8/26/09

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My Ex-Husband And My Family.

Dear Queen,

This is a very personal and unique problem. I am 59 years old and divorced from D. (who is 54 years) 20 years now. We have a daughter together, who is 27 years, who lives between his house and mine (she is Bipolar). Last year my only sister aged 58 years lost her husband of 30 years; he passed away from a long illness.

Just before the Memorial for him I found my ex-husband was spending the weekend nights at my sisters house. When confronted they claim they are really good friends. This has caused some very bad feelings for my daughter and myself (since I was still on good terms with the ex, he still came to family functions and such). Now they know we all know about him spending weekend nights at her house, but are sneaking around about it, because they know of our disapproval. It makes things very uncomfortable at family functions now for everyone! (Their sideward glances to each other and trips into the kitchen so they both can stir the pot!!)

What shall I, or anyone, say? This situation is crazy, and is hurting feelings here!!!! Please give me your thoughts?

Signed, Still Hurting

Dear Still Hurting,

I don't think you should say anything to him, nor should anyone else. Here's the reason: he's doing it on purpose, probably to hurt you. It wouldn't do any good to talk to him because he already knows what he's doing and he wants to do it. It wouldn't stop him. What I think you should do is pretend everything is all right. And it would be even better if you could get to where you feel that way. Your attitude should be, "I was upset at first, but now I realize D. is free to do what he wants and I'm not going to let it bother me." Your daughter and your other relatives will follow your lead.

Don't forget, those having an affair get a lot more excitement because of the sneaking (secret phone calls, secret meetings, etc.). You should remove that added excitement. But whatever you do, make sure you can carry it off. Rehearse it mentally and prepare for anything D. or your sister might do or say. Don't get upset. Just carry on your family times as if nothing is wrong. Your family should realize what you are doing and follow your lead. If they want to say something to him, that's no concern of yours. You all should treat this as if it is someone you don't know that your sister is with.

Now here's the thing: D. shouldn't be at your family gatherings. Perhaps when your daughter was younger that was an easy way to do it. Once she's about 18-20, you should have stopped that. Here's why: You say you have been on good terms but I say it hasn't been that good if D. is treating you and your daughter so badly. If D. wanted to have a real romance with your sister, the proper way to do it would be to keep it completely private until they announce an engagement, and I don't mean a 5 year engagement but 6 month-1 year engagement.

You should continue an amicable relationship with D. for the sake of your daughter, but nothing else. But now that your sister is involved with him, she will probably invite him and if you try to prevent it they will accuse you of doing that because they are together. When actually, you should have done it long ago.

Very likely, your sister will break up with him and at that time -- tell D. he is no longer welcome at your family gatherings. Of course, if your daughter has a get-together and invites you and your relatives and D. and his relatives, you should attend. Otherwise, have nothing further to do with him unless you must because of your daughter. And get on with your life -- you want to be too busy to notice what D. is doing.

Your daughter probably understands the whole thing but if she asks you, explain that you don't want to have any more of your life wasted because of his bad treatment, etc. Try not to criticize D. because she still needs to have a relationship with him, the best she can. Your sister probably just wants the romance and isn't deliberately trying to hurt you.

Incidentally, I think a lot of others have similar issues because of all the divorces and remarriages, maybe several times even, and then the family get-togethers can get complicated. Although the exact circumstances are pretty unique. This is one of the more difficult questions I've had so far and I would be interested to find out what you decide to do about it and how it works out for you. Code: Q17.

The Queen, 8/25/09

Dear Queen,

You were very good with your advice to my daughter and myself. We both agreed with all you said.

The one thing that bothered both of us, was you only talked about my ex, and not my sister. I just don't feel the same about her as I once did, and the same goes for my daughter! I would never trust her again after this. In fact, we both plan to be busy for the upcoming holidays, because they either arrange for them to be at her house or my ex's! My daughter is going to volunteer to work holidays and I am going over to a girl friends house! Thanks again for your advice!

Signed, Still Hurting

Dear Still Hurting,

I think you and your daughter are right, not to go to your sister's for the holidays. But I have some concern that you are keeping your relationship with your ex alive and letting him interfere with your family. I think your sister is just caught up in the romance. She didn't deliberately set out to hurt you. For example, she probably didn't ask him but he asked her. Probably, he is just using her to hurt you. Nevertheless, it certainly is a careless and hurtful thing for her to do.

It's reasonable that you don't trust your sister now. And maybe you never can again -- not the same as before. But I have some concern that you would break off your relationship with her entirely. Suppose 10 years from now, your ex is out of the picture. You might like to have some relationship with your sister. Another thing that could happen, though I think it is not likely, is your ex and your sister will continue a long-term relationship and could even get married.

My biggest concern is that you have a lot of anger that you are dealing with. If you hang onto this anger, you will be hurting yourself the most. It will affect your health, eventually. Do you notice on TV when people have a relative killed, sometimes the first thing they say is they forgive whoever did it. The reason they do this is because they know the bad results anger and bitterness would have on themselves. If you make up your mind you want to let go of this anger but you are still dealing with the feelings, I think I have a solution for you (ask me).

And I must point out again -- as soon as you can, get your ex out of your life and out of your family's life, except your daughter, of course. Code: Q17.

The Queen, 9/3/09

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Advise on my relationship with son's girlfriend.

Dear Queen,

My son has had a relationship with this girl for over 10 years, off and on. They have a son together and another on the way. They were living together the last two years and getting along most of the time. Then he moved back in with me in January 2009.

I got different versions why they split up. Then I find out they didn't split up, that they had financial problems and she was moving back home, and my son needed a place to live right away. No room for him at her parents, and her mother doesn't like my son all the time.

Now I moved recently and my son moved with me. He helped with the move and so did his girlfriend and my son's friends. She offered to do other things like take me shopping for groceries etc. so I gave her a parking pass for my apartment since I don't drive. She now is complaining that I am rude and needy, and call her too often. I asked her once and she said she needed to check her schedule, so I called again and left a message. She didn't return my call, so I left another message. When I called again, she said I was rude and not grateful, impolite and assumed too much that she would drive me to a store for food. She said she will pick me up and drop me off and pick me up in 45 minutes, and I better find another way to get my groceries next time.

Signed, Am I Rude?

Dear Am I Rude,

This is what I think you should do, although probably it will be difficult for you. You should continue to help your son and his girlfriend when you can. The reason is, you want to be an example of the best way to treat people. You also want to keep good relations with them, the best you can, especially for the sake of your grandchildren. So just keep on doing your part the best you can.

Don't try to retaliate or argue. You could mention that she offered to take you shopping and that is why you asked her. Also, you could ask your son to take you shopping.

Otherwise, try to find someone else that could help you. Perhaps someone in your apartment building or neighborhood would let you go along when they go shopping. Or someone from church, senior citizen center (if you are old enough), etc.

This doesn't mean that I think she is right and you are wrong. And I don't think you are rude or impolite or ungrateful. For some odd reason, even though she offered, now she doesn't want to do it so she is turning it around to be your fault. Nevertheless, try to keep the peace. You probably will continue to have some difficulties similar to this with her because I don't think you will be able to change her. Code: Q10

The Queen, 7/17/09

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No More Lying

Dear Queen,

Last year I split with my wife of about 3 years after she had an affair with someone from work. The divorce became official a few months ago and I am now in a very happy relationship with someone new.

The problem is I have noticed that my ex-wife appears to be having a serious relationship with the person she had an affair with and is beginning to bring him around her family. In the midst of our divorce I agreed to spare her dignity and told no one of her infidelity but now I feel like her parents and family deserve to know the truth about this person and their relationship if she is bringing it into their home. I miss her family as if they were my own, but is this no longer my business?

Signed, No More Lying

Dear Nor More Lying,

Sorry to be the one to have to tell you the hard truth -- it's no longer any of your business. Especially since you agreed to keep the secret, now you should. But even if you hadn't, you are really out of the picture now. The reason it bothers you, your emotions are still 'raw', and you are still a little hurt and jealous. It will take you time to get over it. Try to forget about it and be glad you have a better relationship now. Code: Q11

The Queen, 7/16/09

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